


papercut love / wolfstar

by maniachx



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Harry Potter Setting, Alternative Perspective, M/M, Marauders, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Marauders Friendship (Harry Potter), Modern Marauders (Harry Potter), Multi, Young Sirius Black, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-17
Updated: 2020-12-17
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:42:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 30
Words: 38,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28137879
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maniachx/pseuds/maniachx
Summary: or a story in which Remus works at the local library where Sirius and his stupid friends keep coming to study at.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 4
Kudos: 63





	1. Chapter 1

"It all started when their hands touched. They looked at each other and the world crumbled at their feet."

Remus throws his bag on the floor and tries to take a peak at the surroundings. The building was small, he saw it from the outside, but inside it's pitch black, meaning he can't see a damn thing and he can't even tell where to step next. 

He can hear his father's hand traveling across the wall and to the switch, turning the light on and almost jumping when the lights flickered slightly before properly being on.

Remus looks around tiredly, his eyelids barely staying apart as he drags himself to the stairs and starts going up. "Ugh, what floor did you say it was?" The tall boy rubs his eyes lazily, slowly moving his legs up the stairs.

His father coughs twice before talking in his low voice, British accent wrapped around his words like honey. "Only the second one, don't worry."

But even the second floor sounds like too much for the young boy to go through. After all, he only got around three hours of sleep these last two days, the stress of leaving his childhood city and seeing his mother for the first time in three months haunting him. 

His mother's sick of pneumonia. What started as a chest infection turned into a much worse thing. She moved to London three months ago with one of her friends, only because her husband - Remus's dad - and her son, Remus himself, had to finish their business back in the old city. Remus had to finish his second year of high-school then sign for the high-school here, online, and this one's father had to quit his job and apply to another one here, in London. 

The payment for Mrs. Lupin's treatment isn't exactly an easy one, which is why the day after this one, Remus will go straight to the city or the local stores to see if anyone needs employees. Urgently. He'd take anything- he's good at fixing cars, cooking, everything. Hell, he could even learn to make unhealthy hamburgers for McDonald's if it meant the money would go straight to his pocket then to his parents so they could pay the treatment.

As soon as they got into the apartment, they noticed the clean surface of the floor, the uncovered-in-thousands-of-clothes-and-socks floor and the empty walls, whereas their old house in Birmingham had posters all over, messy clothes thrown everywhere but in their closets and a closed, isolated-like smell filling the entire place. 

Hope, the mother and wife is sick. She can't exactly be expected to be able to make a mess in the small apartment, cook all day and fill the air with hundreds of different smells, now can she? She's just a poor woman, spending her every day in her bed, doing nothing but reading, writing, drawing and watching television. Her friend lives just next door- She comes in every morning, takes care of Hope and makes sure she has everything she needs, after which the woman leaves her alone until in the afternoon, and then leaves again, comes back at night right before Hope goes to sleep, to make sure she took her pills, ate and did everything she needed too.

Remus and his father, Lyall Lupin, couldn't be more grateful for having such an amazing friend to take care of their favorite woman. Without her, they would be lost and helpless, but they can't even dare to think of that. They're okay, they just need to fake it 'til they make it. Pretend to be happy and okay when if fact they're hurting and hopeless.

Remus steps inside the apartment first, superstitiously using his right leg first and opening the door. His slow movements almost annoy his father, who's more than impatient to see his wife. They both hear a weak voice coming from one of the four doors displayed in front of them, and recognize it's Hope herself.

Remus looks at his father questioningly before dropping everything on the floor and making his way into, supposedly, his mother's bedroom. The light's off but he turns it on and what he sees overwhelms him. His mother's lying down on a king-sized bed- the walls are white and everything's plain, even her sheets don't have any patters on them. 

"And you wonder why you're getting depressed," Lyall jokes before dropping his luggage in the doorway and walking at the edge of the bed, where his wife awaits eagerly and sits up, her back pressed against the wall. "Don't move so quickly!" Lyall worries.

Remus's mother rolls her beautiful, greenish eyes. "I'm allowed and able to move, Lyall. I'm just lazy so I won't do it," the woman admits while searching for the black elastic on her wrist before tying her extremely long and shiny red hair in a high and loose ponytail.

Hope's husband chuckles playfully. "I know, love. How are you feeling?" 

And they hug for a very long amount of time, as Remus grabs his mother's hand behind his father, and she opens her eyes to look at him. 

"Come on, boys, it's only been three months, don't get emotional."

Remus looks at the woman in front of her as if she's a piece of glass- as if he would squeeze her hand slightly harder, she'd break and fall on the ground. But it's nothing like that. Remus and Lyall don't know this, but she actually feels good. Not like she's sick. She did at first, but it's been three months of good treatment, for God's sake, and Hope's pneumonia isn't in its worse stage just yet. 

"Is the amoxicillin good?"

Hope chuckles softly at her husband's words. "It's expensive, so it better be. How about you guys? How are you doing?"

Lyall breaks apart from the hug and glances at his son for s brief second. "We're fine. Remus's principal said he'd call us sometime to see how we are. My boss said I have to go in tomorrow... 'S good, since Remus starts high-school tomorrow. Right, son?"

Remus nods. "Yeah, tomorrow." 

"Ugh, sorry for making you two talk right now," Remus's mother says apologetically and points at the closet right in front of the bed. "Lyall, darling, you can put your clothes and everything there. Remus, Diana bought a bed for you and it's in the next room- It initially was a living room but no one ever used it so you also have more space for clothes, a coffee table and a desk you can do your homework on, alright? The bathroom's next to the kitchen, which is right next door. I mean, next to our bedroom, hun'. Questions?" Hope sounds more like a guide as she tells her boys there's enough food in the fridge if they're hungry and they already have toothbrushes here so they can throw away theirs if they brought any.

"I'm not hungry," voices Remus lowly, "I'll head to bed, I can barely keep my eyes open." And he stands up, feet hardly supporting his thin yet tall figure. 

Hope nods slightly before outstretching her arms for a one last hug. "Sure, love. What time does school start again?"

"Uh, 8 AM. But I have to wake up at 6 AM so I can get ready and get there earlier. To find the principal's office and all that. Also, uh, I'll get home late because I'll also have to go that library I applied to for a job- It's close to here I think."

His parents nod together and smile. Mr. Lupin says, "If you want I could give you a ride tomorrow. I'll leave at 7:40."

"Too late," Remus's voice sounds lower and lower, "I'll take the bus, don't worry. Good night." 

Then he leaves his parents's bedroom - of course after giving his mother a kiss on the forehead and waving at his father. "'Night," the boy repeats before properly leaving the room and literally begging his legs to continue walking down the hallway and to the next room. With his bag in his hand and his half-open eyes, he turns on the light and looks around monotonously.

He messes up his light brown hair and doesn't even care to examine his own bedroom before carelessly and dully letting his body fall in the middle of the bed. Well, on the whole bed, since his body's literally the size of it and he barely has enough space to move his horribly large limbs.

Too tired to even process the fact that he's in a total different house that'll be his new home for the rest of his life, most likely, Remus lets his mind fall into the depth of a whole another universe filled with dreams.


	2. Tonks

Remus can hear his mother's voice booming from the other side of the thin wall. He sits up, back pressed against the pillow and eyes half-open. Still tired, he yawns a few times before completely opening his eyes to take a look around.

The freshly woken boy can see the bedroom he entered last night much better now- The baby blue paper is peeling off the walls and the floor looks slightly damaged, made from creaky wood. There's a small - also wooden - coffee table right in the middle of the room, a small TV hanging on the wall and two closets on each side of it. 

I mean, Remus won't be spending that much time at the apartment anyways, so why in hell would he need a better looking room?

Used to his old room, he glances to the left, hoping to see a clock on a nightstand.

But no nightstand and no clock.

So instead, he grabs his phone and presses the lock button and closes his eyes just so he can adjust his vision a little. After that, he reads the time and sighs deeply. 

He woke up too early. Again.

It's only 5:30 in the morning, and he could've gotten 20 more minutes of sleep if it wasn't for the noise on the floor above him and his mother's whispers. Yeah, whispers. That's how thin the walls are.

He gets up properly, still wearing his jeans and jumper from the other day. He must've fallen asleep like that, because of how tired he was. 

He grabs his bag and pulls out another pair of jeans and, well, another jumper, but this time the jeans are dark green and the jumper's autumn brown. He's way too tired to unpack everything right now so he'll do it when the night comes and he gets home.

After putting on new underwear and changing completely, he makes his way to the bathroom. Not exactly how it was back in his old house, but he's not complaining. He doesn't need a bigger bathroom, now, does he?

After doing his business in the bathroom, he checks his reflection in the mirror one more time. His hair's messy and curly but he can do nothing about it, it's always like that. Unfixable. 

"'Morning, sunshine," Remus's father speaks lightly while sitting down on a chair next to the window, with a cup of coffee captive between this one's fingers. "Why'd you wake up so early?"

Remus shrugs. "I don't know. Loud neighbors?"

"Oh, for sure," Hope interrupts with a kettle in her hands and her red messy hair tied up in a bun. Then, the mother starts talking about this woman- Cinderella, or Cedrella who never shuts up, or wakes up at random times and starts making food for no reason. Hope says she suffers of dementia or something like that.

Remus just shrugs again. "Mom?"

"Yes, honey?"

"Do we have any chocolate cappuccino?" The boy enters the kitchen properly and makes his way to the counter. The space is really tight so his mother gently touches his shoulder so he can move to the side when she has to put the kettle on. 

"Still a chocolate lover, darling?" his mother laughs sweetly and the boy's lips are hugged by a warm smile.

"Mhm."

"Does he still own thousands of jumpers?" This time, Hope looks at her husband and Remus rolls his eyes playfully.

"Of course I do. What else would I wear? Normal people clothes?" Remus asks sarcastically and causes his mother to chuckle. 

"The cappuccino's in the lowest drawer, Remus," Hope points with her foot and the boy eagerly leans down to open the drawer and find multiple jars filled with chocolate cappuccino. He blushes.

"Mom!" 

"Those are for you, love. I asked my friend to buy them in case you still liked chocolate." 

The boy immediately stands up straight and hugs his (obviously shorter) mother. He's always been in love with chocolate- Chocolate this, chocolate that. Ice cream, donuts, cake, everything. The fact that his mother bought so much chocolate cappuccino for him makes him happy, for whatever reason. 

"Oh, that's enough," Hope rolls her eyes at her son. "You should thank me after you see the chocolate bars from the top drawer. 

Remus shots his mother a 'you-shouldn't-have' look before rushing to open that specific drawer and letting out yet another happy cry. "I love you so much."

"Oh, don't I love you so much more."

Remus smiles happily then makes himself a cappuccino, of course. Eating three chocolate bars as breakfast, he sits down opposite of his father and reads the newspaper.

"Bloody weather," Hope speaks, "You're sure you don't want you father to drive you to school, love? It's pouring outside." Her words make Remus look outside the window at the rain he didn't even notice until now. 

The raindrops angrily hit the dirty window, and the sky's grey, almost black and it's very dark outside, only people's headlights lightening up the wet streets and the people holding up umbrellas. 

"Mom, don't worry, I'll be fine. Also, dad leaves too late and I have to be there early," Remus explains, receiving in return his mother's hands raised in defense. 

"Just saying," she says, "I won't be home when you guys come home. I mean, your dad'll be here at around 7 PM, that's when I'll leave for my doctor appointment. When did you say you were coming back?" the woman questions.

Remus thinks for a few seconds, "I'll finish classes at 2 PM, and then from 2:30 PM to 6 PM I'll be done with the library," he speaks without breaking eye-contact with his mother, not really looking at her but imagining his schedule in his mind, "Hopefully," the boy adds.

***

In one hour and fourteen minutes, Remus makes it inside the high-school building, half wet. The umbrella he had didn't exactly help him against the rain but at least it did something. As he's trying to close the umbrella and hardly succeeding, Remus looks up and sees a goth-looking, purple-haired girl making her way toward him. 

"Need some help with that?" she laughs merrily with her arms crossed over her chest. She's much, much shorter than Remus, and her eyes are surrounded by dark colors. Also, her lips and clothes are both hugged in very dark colors and she looks like she's about to kill someone.

"Uh-" Remus starts but is abruptly interrupted by the young girl grabbing the umbrella and swiftly closing it, like she's done it so many times before.

"New here?" she questions curiously before handing the boy his umbrella. "I'm Tonks."

Remus hesitates, but curves the corners of his lips, "Yeah, sort of. New and... God-" Remus almost drops his umbrella on the floor because he's also holding his bag (he tried to protect it from the rain earlier) "Y-Yeah. New and... Very messy. I'm Remus."

"Figured. Gimme that," Tonks says and grabs Remus's umbrella in her small hand. "Now, Remus, what year are you?"

"Fourth year, you?" he questions the girl, grateful she came and helped him. 

"Oh, second. But I think we have a few classes together, if I remember correctly," Tonks speaks. "Locker number?" Remus grabs the wrinkly piece of paper from his pocked and reads with narrowed eyes.

"Uh.. 9... 653. 9653."

"Oh," Tonks trails off, causing a suspicious look to plaster on Remus's face.

"What?" 

"Nothing. Your locker's kind of next to a dick's- But that's okay. Avoid him and he'll have no reason to be rude to you. Hopefully," she adds cheerily and gestures him to follow her. He does so, and he's relieved when they finally make it to his locker, where he literally shoves his backpack inside and lets out a long sigh.

"Thanks, Tonks." Remus considers that phrase strange to pronounce out loud.

"You're welcome. I'll see you around, Remus!" The girl waves and leaves before Remus could say anything, leaving him confused. Not knowing where to go next, he just closes his eyes, breathes in and out and grabs his wet backpack (not even holding it in front of him didn't help, that's how bad the rain is), coding his locker before leaving and leaving down the hallway, in hope to find the Maths class.


	3. The back of the library

After classes, the rain not even slightly less furious and noisy, Remus is inside the bus, trying to dry his hair with the hood of his jacket. It's too cold outside, and he only is wearing a jumper and a very thin jacket, but luckily for him, the bus just arrives at the station in front of the building where the library's supposed to be.

He leaves the bus, opens his umbrella and rushes inside the library. There are many, many shelves inside, tall and reaching the ceiling, a chandelier lightening up the whole place as not so many people are either searching through books or sitting, with cups of coffee, at the tables spread around the room. The large windows help the chandelier make the library brighter, and as the light outside falls into the red, large carpet placed all over the floor, it reflects a red hue in the air.

Remus takes his jacket off and places it over his forearm, making his way in the very back of the library where the counter and the librarian sits. The old lady doesn't even notice him at first, her black eyes glued to a book she holds on her lap and her long and messy white hair tied up in a ponytail. She looks rather elegant, with her fashionable clothes consisting of a jean skirt and a mustard blouse, on top of which is a long, gray cardigan. 

Remus coughs twice and she looks up. "Oh, hello there, young boy. What can I do for you?" Her voice sounds young, and she doesn't look too old herself.

"Uh, my name's Remus? I applied for a job here one month ago and-"

"Remus Lupin," the woman speaks kindly, "I know, I know, I remember. You said you were starting working from the 14th of October, though?" she recalls, leaving a bookmark at almost the end of the book, after which she stands up and walks in front of the counter so she's now in front of Remus, looking up at him. "My name's Topanga Shirley, but you can call me Shay."

Remus doesn't have to introduce himself back so they just shake hands.

"I mean- I can always start earlier. I don't have much to do and... Seems like you need some help around here, Mrs. Shay. Are you the only one working today?" asks the boy curiously, looking around and then back down at the woman in front of him.

"Oh, yes. I'm the only employee here. Been working since '01 when my husband's father passed away... After giving my man this old library." Then the woman looks around nostalgically, and Remus almost sees old memories of how the library used to look like before. "So you'll be a great help around here. Let me show you around."

In almost fifteen minutes, Remus knows every corner of the library. The woman leads him back to the counter and points at the chair she used to sit on just a few minutes before he got there.

"Want to occupy this side of the library or the front one?" 

Remus shrugs, "I don't really care. It doesn't matter. Which one do you like the most?" 

"Well," the woman chuckles and fixed her thick rectangular glasses on her nose, "The lightning's better in front and I gotta finish my book so, if you don't mind..." She bends over the counter to get her book, then almost leaves. "Oh!"

"Yes, Mrs. Shay?" Remus looks up at her.

"You can get any book from the shelves and read it if you'd like. You'll most likely get bored until 6 when you finish your work. You don't have anything else to do except help people look for the books they need. At around five o'clock you'll have to start replacing books though, it's easy- Some people leave them in random places but you'll just have to find their initial one and that's all. Phone calls are on me... That's all, I think. Will you also leave your phone number on that notebook over there? So if something comes up I can call you?"

"Sure, Mrs. Shay." 

Remus puts his backpack on the floor on the inner side of the counter, then sits down when the old lady leaves. 

After only half an hour after he settles down while doing his homework for tomorrow at school (since it's already been half a month since school started and homework are already being given to students), he hears multiple voices entering the library but isn't able to see whom they're coming from because of the shelves. The voices are followed by a sharp 'Shh!', and they suddenly stop.

Remus just shrugs, not exactly caring about the noises in front, and gets back to his homework. But then, four kids rather young, all wearing the uniforms of the high-school Remus goes to (he still doesn't have his own but will soon).

There are two boys and one girl. The girl has this really long, red hair which almost reaches the end of her back, the ends of it dark and wet because of the rain. Next to her, a taller boy with round-shaped glasses and darker skin walks confidently, his eyes glued to the girl as she is reading something on the back of a book. 

Remus raises one eyebrow and looks at them carefully.

The other boy is slightly smaller than all of them and a bit chubbier. His top front teeth are almost covering the lower ones, and his black hair is also wet because of the rain outside.

All of them are wearing the same uniforms but in different ways- The girl wears a black cardigan on top of the white button-up and a black skirt, the boy with glasses next to her wears a black tie with his shirt, unlike the chubby one who has his button-up unbuttoned, under which he wears a black band t-shirt.

"Forgot something, James?" 

The male voices causes Remus's eyes to turn to its' source, green eyes landing on yet another boy. 

This one, unlike the other ones, has longer and darker hair and slight stubble on his rather pale face. He wears a tie loosely around his neck and his shirt's last three buttons aren't done, only half of the end of it being tugged inside his skinny, black jeans. 

And unlike the others, he doesn't wear a jacket. And he's wet. 

Not that Remus cares or anything.

Probably James turns around at the sound of the voice and sees the other one holding up a golden... Thingy with two white feathers attached to each side of it.

"Ow, thanks, Black!" James rushes to his friend to grab the golden thing.

"Ow, thanks, Black," Black mocks the taller one and rolls his beautiful, clear and sparkly grey eyes. "Now, Lily, where were we?" 

"I don't know what this says, we'll have to use Google Translate."

But the rest of their conversation is irrelevant to Remus so the boy goes back to his homework and tries to ignore how loud the kids are speaking. They're not disturbing anyone, since no one shushes them or looks at them weirdly. They must be used to it? They seem like they come here often. They sit down at a table only one shelf away from the counter Remus is at and put their backpacks next to their chairs, taking out several notebooks and books and placing them on the round table.

Remus glances at the clock above him and sees that in almost one hour he has to start working on arranging the books, so he quickly gets back to writing homework so he won't have to write anything at home.


	4. Wolfboy

At precisely 4:49 o'clock, Remus finishes his homework and closes his notebook. Standing up from the old chair, he glances over at the group of students who came almost two hours ago at the library. They're still studying.

More like, the one with dark, long hair is playing on his phone and denying his existence as the redheaded girl is writing something from a book on a piece of paper, while disturbed by the Glasses, who's currently trying to get her attention by playing with his hair and wiggling his eyebrow. The other one- The small and chubby one is quietly reading something for himself, not even being noticed by the others.

Remus sighs. He has to arrange books now. Easy, right?

He makes his way to the closest shelf and starts putting the antique looking books back where they're supposed to be, classics to their initial place, poetry, dictionaries...

"Oh-" Remus's hand feels an odd book- Or so he thinks. When he looks up he sees, on the other side of the full shelf, no other than the boy with the hair- Was it Black? He has his hand placed on a Latin-English dictionary Remus wanted to grab.

Through the books, Remus furrows his thick eyebrows and says weirdly, "Uh, Latin dictionary?" He points at the book (as their hands are still slightly touching) "What're you guys planning to do? A satanic ritual?" he jokes.

Black chuckles in, surprisingly, a very handsome way. "Worse. Latin essay."

"And you're using that?" Remus raises one eyebrow and gives the book an unsure look. "I mean, not to seem a know-it-all or anything, but..." He grimaces then continues, "This one only has nouns and verbs in the dictionary forms. No examples. You're going to have to change the cases from nominative to ablative - if you need to-, genitive and the rest of them by yourselves and it'll be quite difficult since there are different declensions and conjugations-" And then Remus bends a bit and grabs a thicker and larger dictionary from a lower shelf, "whereas this has example, phrases, sentences and expressions that will help you much more."

All this time, Black keeps his eyes on the stranger in front of him and rolls his plump, almost red lip between his perfectly structured teeth. Remus can't help but notice the sharpness of this boy's canines.

"Uh-" Remus mumbles, "Just saying." He shrugs.

Black withdraws his rather big hand from the dictionary only to outstretches it toward Remus so the freckles boy hands him the other dictionary, fingers brushing against each other and causing shivers to run down Remus's spine.

"Thanks, wolf boy."

"Wolf boy?" Remus questions. Why would he call him that?

"There's a wolf on your necklace," Black points.

"Didn't even notice," says Remus absentmindedly, although he does know but he just can't seem to pay attention to what the good-looking boy says, because he's too attracted by his gorgeous hair and perfect gray eyes.

"You from around here?" Black lets his eyes travel down the boy's jumper and to his jeans, somehow trying to find out if he saw him before or not.

"No, I just moved to Hogston."

"Oh! We're from there too. Might've already noticed by the emblems on our uniforms."

Remus nods and smiles. 

Black speaks again, "Wait, so do you have English with Mr. Scott?" 

"Yeah."

"Thought you looked familiar. Fourth year, right?" Black, with his free hand, runs his very long fingers through his curly and still wet from the rain hair. "I have English with him too."

"Yeah, fourth year. I didn't take Latin though," Remus explains. "Took French instead."

"So how do you know so much about it" 

"Used to learn Latin in my old high-school and I was kind of into it, I guess? The teacher said I had the potential to also participate to several olympics but then it took a lot of my time and I almost failed more important classes so I forgot about it."

Black listens carefully and nods, ripping his eyes off of the freckles of the beautiful boy in front of him once he's done. Although he's obviously shorter than Remus, he keeps making him feel sort of... Inferior and intimidated. 

"So... Good luck on your essay, uh..." Remus doesn't know what to call him, not being sure if his actual name is Black.

"... Sirius. Sirius Black."

Remus walks his eyes all across the boy's face, taking in all of his features and he can't seem to be able to remember them. His jaw's sharp, he has a beautifully shaped nose and very, very deep eyes. His facial hair's black like this thick eyebrows and hair and under his eyes are some pretty obvious dark circles.

"And you are...? It's not actually Wolfboy, is it?" 

The question makes Remus chuckle and shake his head slowly.

"No, it's... Uh- Remus."

Sirius smiles widely and handsomely before biting onto his lip once again.

"Well, Uh Remus," he jokes and Remus curses himself for the slight pink hue in his cheeks. "Thanks for your help. I hope I'll see you around and maybe I'll buy you a coffee. Won't put any aconite in it, don't worry." Then he winks. 

Remus melts. "Sure, I'll see you around, Sirius."

And the handsome student leaves back to his friends who weren't paying attention to the conversation between their friend and the freckled stranger. Remus's eyes linger on his body for a few seconds, shamelessly letting them land on the boy's very plump-looking ass, which looks probably too good for a boy to even posses. Ripping his eyes off of the boy's butt, Remus coughs two times and looks away, biting onto his lower lip and putting the dictionary back on the shelf, this time where it was supposed to be. 

He takes another glimpse of the boy who now sits at the table, eyes wandering between his friends and a smile hugging his perfect, shiny lips. Remus finds himself staring for maybe too long, so he decides to look away and go back to working.

Sirius.


	5. James's glasses

Only one hour later, Remus finishes arranging the books and goes back behind the counter. One hour left and he's good to go. Unsurprisingly, the weather has not changed and doesn't seem like it's planning to. 

The aftermath of the rain splashing against the now dirty and very wet, large windows is now the only thing which can be heard in the big, quiet library, besides the book being scrolled through and people's whispers.

It's rather calming. Remus hadn't felt like this in so long. He's always surrounded by either noise or people and feels pressured and overwhelmed. Now, taking a deep breath and relaxing the muscles in his body, the boy forgets about having to leave this place, going home and having to go to school tomorrow. He just wishes he cold stay next to a window all day as it's raining outside. He wants the cold, fresh air and the several raindrops somehow managing to get inside the building through half-opened window.

Is it too quiet?

The bell at the top of the entrance rings multiple times, right when Remus stands up to check if the group of friends is still there. And they're not. Remus sees Sirius's fabulous leaving the library with the other ones, shutting the door behind him. Then, the freckles boy looks back at the empty table and notices the round shaped glasses on it. Whom they might be? Not Sirius... The girl... Oh! The other one with the nice hair. Jason? James?

Remus rushes to get the glasses and leave the library, but as he stands in the doorway, he becomes afraid of the rain and looks up at the gray, dark sky. With narrowed eyes he looks through the rain and notices the group under the roof of a bus station. Without thinking twice, he starts running to them, glasses hidden under his jumper and his hair gluing to his forehead.

"...And I was like-"

But they stop once Remus stops under the roof too, breathing heavily and taking out the glasses from under the piece of clothing. All wet and exhausted, he looks up at the group of friends, Sirius now wearing a jacket and having his hair under a black beanie. 

"Wolfboy?" Sirius raises one thick eyebrow and confusedly watches the boy get closer to them.

"Huh?" James does, just as confused as the other one.

"You- One of you forgot these." Remus holds up the glasses and James's expression changes into an amused one.

"How could I forget them?" He gets closer, grabs them nicely and smiles to Remus. "Thanks, mate. I don't know how that happened."

"And who'd you say you were?" The girl's voice interrupts the boys and Remus looks up at her. 

"I work at the library, my name's Remus."

"Remus." James smiles, "Cute, you from around here?" 

Remus shakes his head. "No, just moved in the other day."

Sirius keeps his eyes on the boy. He's all wet and his jumper's loosely hanging on his really thin body, his pale skin stained with the coldness of October and his eyes being fixed on James as he talks to him.

Sirius interrupts, "And did you just run here, through the rain, with no jacket or umbrella, to give back some dumb glasses?"

Remus raises his eyebrow at the shorter boy and crosses his arms over his chest as he's also cold but wants to seem more manly. 

"Uh, of course not, I- I wanted to grab a hot chocolate and thought I could give them back since you were still here and not too far gone. Wouldn't have done it if you crossed the road."

Sirius eyes him suspiciously. "Sure."

"I think I'll see you guys at school, Sirius and... The others." Remus steps backwards and waves at the people, before turning around and running inside the building where the cafe was, all wet and cold and for whatever reason, feeling weird. 

Sirius kept his eyes on him and is still glancing at the ghost of him talking to his friend, James. This boy is so weird, he thinks. I mean, I wouldn't have walked through this kind of rain for a stranger.

But then, Remus absently looks at the cars driving down the street and smiles to himself. The boy might be weird but he's definitely interesting and different, in a good way. Probably just another bookworm who wears reading glasses, drinks way too much coffee and him and his books are inseparable. 

But what's there about him that makes Sirius think of him even when he's in the bus and staring out the window? Maybe the deepness but at the same time lightness in his green irises or those pink lips. 

"Molly just texted me," Lily speaks as she takes the beanie off her head and looks down at her very old phone, "Party this Friday at her place. Coming?" 

"Of course, baby." James places his long arm over Lily's shoulder and she playfully brushes it off with a grin on her red, shiny and soft-looking lips.

"Stop calling me that!" She chuckles.

"Okay, lovebirds," Sirius rolls his eyes, "We get you two are in deep and profound love, but would you please just... Stop?"

"You're just jealous you don't have a girl like mine, Black," James jokes while childishly holding out his tongue at his best friend.

"You're just jealous you don't have a girl like mine, Black." Sirius does a face when mocking James and looks back out the window.

Only if they knew all the hook-ups he's had, all the girls he's banged and kissed weren't exactly his type. Only if James knew that instead of Lily's long, beautiful and shiny red head, her very perfect lips and red cheeks, her hips and curves and eyes, Sirius would rather have a pair of round shaped glasses, a pointy nose and some hazel eyes.


	6. Cute pair

Sirius sits on the bench as James and Peter are playing football on the wet grass. It rained a lot a few days ago but now it's only humid and sunny outside, so the coach won't let them use the interior gym.

Sirius finished his practice and is now waiting for his friends to finish. Lily and the girls are also on the field but they're only practicing for the cheerleading dance for this Christmas's big match. 

The curly headed boy moves his eyes between his male friends and Lily. Why doesn't he see her as attractive as he sees James and the other boys? Why doesn't he feel the urge to kiss Lily instead of the other football players on the field? 

But he had girlfriends, oh so many. He kissed them and banged them on every counter and table and couch to ever exist, and of course did feel pleasure but not entirely. He didn't like kissing them and seeing their faces as they were doing their thing. He just wanted to screw them, then dismiss them. 

James.

I mean, James is obviously hot, everyone knows that already. Sirius just doesn't act on it because of the obvious reasons: they're best friends and James is madly in love with Lily. 

Also, it's not like Sirius is in love with James. He just would prefer him over Lily. Would most likely enjoy kissing him than Lily. That's it. He doesn't even have a crush on him, just only considers him hotter than the girl he has a crush on. As simple as that.

"Sirius?" 

As soon as the male voice hits Sirius's ears, he turns around and looks at the one who just spoke. It's the boy from the library and, unsurprisingly, he wears a white, cozy looking jumper and a pair of skinny jeans and a long black coat on top of everything. 

Because of the weather, his cheeks and nose are slightly red and his eyes seem affected by the exceedingly cold wind. 

"Um, wolfboy." Sirius forgot his name.

"Yeah, it's Remus." Remus figures out. He's not surprised, it's not exactly a common name and people don't remember it always.

"Oh, right. Forgot you were in fourth year as well. What's up, man?"

His masculinity messes with Remus's head. Just a few seconds ago, he saw him having sparkly eyes and pouting over something like a girl in love, and now, his eyebrows are furrowed into a deep frown and his cheekbones and way much accentuated and prominent. 

"I finished my last class and I'm waiting for my father to pick me up." Remus isn't invited to sit down so he doesn't, but instead plays with the hem of his coat and looks around at the boys and girls on the field.

In half an hour his father will pick him up, since he gets off of work earlier today and the book shop is on his way home. It's not really on his way home but he only said that so Remus wouldn't have to take the bus there.

"Are you working today?" Sirius looks up at the boy and pats the seat next to him. "Sit, I'm not going to eat you," he jokes.

Remus lets out a short chuckle before sitting next to Sirius. "Yeah, I'm working everyday after school. All week except for Saturday and Sunday." 

"Man, do you even have time to breathe?" 

"I mean, I do my homework at the library and I study there. I've nothing else to do, really," Remus explains and Sirius's grey eyes linger between him and the field.

"You know, I'll keep my promise with that coffee." 

Remus's cheeks become slightly pink at Sirius's words. He thought he forgot about it, but he obviously hasn't. Remus isn't likely to go out with people his age so going out with all four of them will be fairly overwhelming.

"I'm looking forward to it," Remus admits, trying not to sound nervous, although he pretty much was. "Are you waiting for someone as well?" 

"Yeah, James, Peter and Lily are on the field," says Sirius while pointing at his friends respectively, "They'll be done in a few minutes. Hey, why don't you call your dad and tell him you'll go with us? I mean, only if you want to, you could take the bus with us since we're all going to the library," Sirius proposes while tucking his jet black hair behind his ears.

I mean, Remus would arrive at the library way too soon if his father came to pick him up and get him there anyways, so why doesn't he just do it? 

"Okay, yeah, sure. Are you sure?" 

Why wouldn't he be sure? 

"Of course, mate."

Remus shifts from his position so he can grab his phone from his pocket. Not exactly a last generation phone, just a Huawei to do the work. He has a phone case with something that looks like three spirals united, and some words in a foreign alphabet, so Sirius almost asks Remus about it but then just shuts up.

Remus unlocks the phone with a rather short password and his home screen wallpaper is a photo of a notebook and a coffee next to a window freshly rained on. Sirius tries not to look as if he's actually looking and Remus doesn't even notice him as he sends his father a quick message in which he tells him not to come pick him up, but nothing else. He doesn't wanna look like a good daddy's boy in front of this cool guy, right?

Sirius's lips form into a smile as he finishes. Remus has quite long fingers, the curly-headed boy notices. And they type really quickly and Sirius even thinks he saw one freckle on the left hand's middle finger. 

"Didn't you guys finish that essay yesterday?" Remus questions the boy and Sirius shakes his head. 

"No, not yet. It takes some time to actually form phrases and we only took Latin this year, so yeah... I mean, Lily's pretty good at Latin and she does all the work- With Peter of course, but we're not that good at it," says Sirius, probably lying.

He's probably a Latin genius. He looks like he'd know how to curse you in twenty different languages and write an essay about it in thousands of foreign alphabets. He just looks like an almighty god. And the long hair is a bonus.

"Thanks for giving us that dictionary, though. It was really helpful."

Remus hides his smile behind a slight nod. "Sure, for nothing."

Then he glances at the field and away from Sirius. His friends are right there, playing football and probably being very cold, since they're all sweating and outside's not exactly hot, just sunny. 

Remus's eyes fall on an ardent, purple hair, so he instantly recognizes Tonks, the girl who helped him on his first day. 

"You're checking out Tonks?" Sirius nudges Remus's elbow with his. 

"What?" Remus snaps, "No, of course not. She's- I mean, she's not a friend but, we talked on my first day. She was really nice." 

Sirius eyes him suspiciously and nods. "She's really nice. You guys would make a cute pair." His lips meet a cheeky smirk and Remus blushes immediately.

"Probably," he replies.

Little does Sirius know that instead of that colored hair and the pretty eyes and lips, he'd rather have messy, curly locks and a pair of grey irises.


	7. The party

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: mention of drugs and alcohol

Remus ended up going with Sirius and his friends to the library. This time, he forgot about telling them to keep it down since 1. He knows them, kind of. 2. He doesn't want to make a bad impression. 3. There was literally no one here except for them. Not even Mrs. Shay was here but she did leave a note for Remus, and said that she wasn't going to make it until later that day, perhaps one hour before Remus finishes his shift.

So Peter and James were now laughing loudly at something Sirius said and Lily was talking to herself while writing at, most likely, the Latin essay. Remus was writing his homework for tomorrow and was bored by the fact that he had so many more hours to stay here and Sirius and his friends would probably leave soon.

His father told him it was okay to come soon later, if he wanted to hang out with his new friends (he was so excited when he heard Remus had new friends) but Remus just explained they weren't going to hang out later, just at the library. 

His chin was resting on his hand as he started sketching random figures on the corner of his notebook, only minutes after that realizing he won't be able to erase them because he sketched them with a pen.

It was boring, until Sirius came up to him. Surprisingly, Remus reacted quite calmly physically, as his mind and heart were screaming at the handsome sight. Remus questioned Sirius on why he came and then he was invited by the beautiful boy at a party on Friday. 

And although Remus isn't exactly the party time and enjoys to stay at home and read a book rather than dance and drink alcohol, Sirius' invitation is the reason why he's now standing in the corner of this dark, yet colorful room full of sweaty, dancing bodies and the smell of strong alcohol and crazy unhealthy snacks. 

He came with Sirius and his friends but they are nowhere to be found now and he doesn't want to seem clingy. Remus cares about his reputation a little, so he doesn't want to act like a child. 

"Remus?" The blonde boy turns around and his eyes fall on the shorter girl with crazy hair.

"Tonks," he responds with a smile and waves shortly. "What's up?"

She ignores the question. "Didn't know you were the party time." And then Tonks nudges him and he shrugs. 

"I'm not really. Uh, some people invited me. Don't even know who the host is, honestly." 

Tonks' eyes widen as she gestures at him to follow her and he does so. They go to the kitchen where there's less music and there are many drinks to choose from.

"Pick one," Tonks proposes and points at the manifold colorful drinks, as Remus' eyes follow every red cup.

"Tell me that's not lean-" His eyes get stuck on a purple drink right in the corner of the table.

"I'd rather tell you the truth. That's lean. Keep your mouth shut." Tonks laughs. "Go slow, though, big boy. Have a beer or something."

Remus cockily raises one eyebrow at her and does a sassy face. "Go slow? I'm a pro at alcohol, young lady."

He grabs one random cup from the table and once he puts his lips on it he realizes it's only vodka. He drinks it in not even two seconds and after that, winks towards Tonk. He indeed is very good at alcohol, some might say he's immune to its effect.

"Impressive. Now try the tequila." Tonks crosses her arms over her chest and Remus already knows he won't be able to go back home soberly. He shrugs indifferently. I mean, what's the worst that can happen? His parents know he drinks sometimes and he's mature enough to handle it, so it's his decision if he wants to get wasted or not.

In the next few minutes other two cups are empty on the table and Tonks claps proudly at him. Then, she grabs his forearm and they both go in some sort of hidden hallway that separates the kitchen from the stairs that lead to the bedrooms and whatever else is upstairs.

She searches for something in her back pocket and asks Remus to hold his hand out, as she hands him kind of a sticker, round shaped and with a smiley face on it.

Remus chuckles and asks Tonks, "What are you giving a sticker to me for?"

"It's not a sticker, genius." 

It takes a few seconds for Remus to realize what Tonks is holding on top of her finger isn't actually a sticker, but acid.

"Stick your tongue out."

Remus has never tried acid before, but he did try weed and acid is probably not that different from that, right? So that's why he sticks his tongue out without saying anything and feels a bit shaky from the alcohol and nervousness.

"Wait, Tonks, don't-"

"Come on, Remus. Shush. I'm just trying to make you feel better. Chill." 

She seems like she knows what she's doing and so Remus doesn't say anything, in fear of looking like a scared little kid. Tonks' overly cold fingertip touched Remus' tongue and he withdrew it right after the first sticker. Tonks proposes she uses two, just so he could feel the acid for real. 

And Remus, although he doesn't want it, accepts. He needs to look cool.

With shaky hand and a crazy heartbeat, his tongue goes back inside his mouth after the first sticker and waits for the effect to start. 

At first, everything is a little blurred and the music on the background becomes unclear, after which his brain starts messing with the 'Settings' of his vision and the colors predominating his sight are blue, pink, yellow and green. Suddenly, Tonks' skin becomes green and her hair starts growing out of nothing, like he's watching a time lapse video. There are little chicken nuggets dancing on the ground and even they have hairs on them, and Remus feels as if they're talking to him and communicating to him.

But it feels great. Once he lays against the wall to watch the people dance and get it on, Tonks gives him an approving nod and leaves him there with his own crazy emotions. His hands are shaky, and so are his breath and his legs. He feels as if he's going to fall any second, like his legs are wet noodles and he can't stay up for too much longer. 

He sees twins all over the place and the image is shaking and glitching like crazy, and even when he closes his eyes he can still hear the loud voices of those chicken nuggets telling him things. The music slows down and turns into some indie song about falling in love and he doesn't only feel lightheaded, but as if he just entered nirvana. 

And maybe this is what he needs. Maybe this is what he's supposed to do to cure himself of the bad feeling of not being good enough for his parents and the people around him. Maybe he should just trip on acid every night until his tongue falls out, drink lean as milk before sleep and fuck everyone until his dick disconnects from his body.

That's how he ends up upstairs with some brunette chick on top of him, both of them ripping their clothes off. She doesn't even know how to move or kiss but at least her breath doesn't smell bad. She almost tasted like chocolate, or that's just the acid messing with Remus' brain.

Next thing he knows, he actually joins paradise and doesn't come back for a very long time. There are Greek gods and goddesses filming and there are chicken nuggets crawling on this girl's back. The music hasn't stopped. There are speakers here and it's now playing KMFDM. The Winchester family is entirely burning on the ceiling, no exceptions, and Jim Morrison is swimming with Lana Del Rey in the pile of clothes on the floor.

Perhaps this is the right thing to do.


	8. Aftermath

Remus hardly wakes up, eyes heavy, his body numb and covered in sweat, clothes and a girl laying next to him. He can't seem to recognize her at first. However, he can recall having sex with her the night before, right after getting completely wasted. 

And high.

Tonks.

Now he remembers having smiley faces on his tongue and entering this whole another universe. Although it felt surprisingly extraordinary, his head and body both hurt like hell right now and he regrets it.

"I don't think anyone's here." Remus hears sort of a familiar voice and quickly stands up. He slides his underwear up his long legs and then covers (kind of) his upper body with the button-up he came to this party with, not having time to also button it, because the door opens and he sees a tired-looking Lily, wearing pajamas and her hair up in a bun.

"Remus? Who is that-" she questions curiously and looks past Remus, on the bed. Her hair's all over her face so she doesn't recognize her.

"Uh-" Remus tries and embarrassingly scratches the back of his neck. He looks like a timid little child. His dirty blonde hair has stronger curls after it's been touched by sweat and there are scratch marks on his chest, almost as if he's been attacked by a wild animal.

"You don't know," Lily states, followed by a short laugh, and then rolls her beautiful, green pearls. She gets closer to the girl and exposes her face. "Oh. Mary."

"Yeah, uh. Where have you guys been last night?" Remus tries to change the subject, his cheeks burning. 

"Around. Sirius started looking for you at some point but didn't find you, so we all thought you left."

Remus nods. "Well, I haven't. I was... Up here."

"Didn't think you were the one night stand kind of guy." She puts the blanket on naked Mary's body and sighs, starting to fold her clothes. 

"I'm really not. I... Don't know how it happened. I can't even remember it."

He does. Four letters: Acid. It was a mistake even if it momentarily felt good. It's his fault thought, not Tonks'. He didn't want to look bad and did a mistake to prove otherwise.

"Mhm. How much did you drink?

Little does she know drinks weren't the only ones who got him here.

"Enough. Why are you here?" 

"James, Sirius and I slept over at Molly's. We drank too much to walk out of here."

Remus nods as the girl explains and finishes to clean the room a bit so it looks slightly less devastated. "Thanks," says the boy, referring to the now clean room.

"Don't thank me yet. You're helping us clean downstairs."

He smiles innocently and she leads him downstairs, where the boys have brooms and another redhead with shorter hair and green and purple pajamas is gathering cups in one huge pile.

Sirius is shockingly wearing a white, over-sized t-shirt that probably belongs to Molly's father or boyfriend, and his white underwear. Remus shamelessly has his legs just as exposed. 

James wears nothing but a towel around his hips, his wet skin showing he just got out of the shower.

They are all tired and hungover and the only thing they need is to have a day off and relax. 

Maybe some more acid, Remus thinks.

"Look who I found," Lily says when they enter the living room. "Mary is upstairs too, but she's still sleeping."

"Hey, Wolfboy." Sirius sends Remus a grin right when he sees the freshly woken boy looking at his bare legs.

"Hi, guys." Instead of only greeting Sirius, Remus greets them all.

"Molly, this is Remus. He's new here and we invited him to the party. He works at Mrs. Shirley's library and he's really nice." Molly looks up to the boy, as he feels like even his freckles are on fire. She smiles and when they come closer to each other they shake hands. "Remus, this is Molly. She throws the best parties around here." 

"Nice to meet you," they both say at the same time and burst into laughter.

"Why are you here?" Sirius asks when Lily is showing Remus where to start cleaning. 

"Your boy-" starts Lily and Remus almost blushes harder. Sirius' boy. "-had an affair with Mrs. Macdonald last night."

Sirius raises his eyebrows questioningly at Remus and the freckled boy nods slowly.

"Well, in that case, my boy," Remus blushes so much harder, "Good for you."

After that, they start cleaning Molly's house. All of them are surprised by Remus' cleaning skills and when they ask him about it he tells them how he's worked as a babysitter before and also had to clean the houses he's worked in, so he became a pro at it. 

Sirius asks himself is there are any things Remus can't do, because he just seem like a guy who knows it all. He's good at Latin, he reads a lot, he knows how to have fun, he gets laid and knows how to clean. He's also good looking-

Sirius accidentally drops the broom on the floor and causes everyone to flinch, including Remus. "You alright?" James looks back from wherever he's cleaning and Sirius nods.

"Yeah, I just..." -thought of how good looking Remus is. "...saw a spider."

"Typical," James chuckles and after that they actually start cleaning.

Sirius forbids thinking about the beautiful, freckled boy as no other than Remus tries hard to stop himself from looking at Sirius' bare legs. It's not like he hasn't seen legs before, right?


	9. Lone wolf

Next weekend, Remus is just hanging out with his mother and father at home. It's Friday night, and all three of them are watching a reality show, while sitting on the small couch planted in front of the TV from the kitchen.

"Reality shows suck," Remus boringly commented with a pout on his lips and his eyes barely open. "Why can't I go to my room and read?" 

"Because," his father starts, "You always read. You only read, go to school, read, write, read. Don't you wanna spend some time with your old folks as well? I mean, I appreciate you're not a drunk, drug addict or anything like that, or that you don't go to so many parties like other kids your age do, but... Don't be so isolated, you know? Stay with us too, we miss seeing your face." 

With that being said, Remus stays there and watches boring TV shows with his parents, with his right arm wrapped around his mothers shoulders, all of this until he hears his mother's breath starting to heave, and then she starts coughing repeatedly.

"Hope," Lyall instinctively reaches out to his wife over Remus' body, placing his large hand on the woman's shoulder. "Are you alright?" But she cant respond due to the heaviness in her breathing. She feels like her lungs are on fire, which also causes her face to redden and her throat to make awful noises.

"Here," Remus starts quickly while standing up from the bed and helping his father to pick the woman up. "Let's put you in bed, mommy." And they pick her up quite hardly, the woman continuing to cough as she lays down. 

She doesn't look too well- The men didn't even notice the sweat on her forehead and her shaking thighs up until now, with the lights on and her red face displayed in front of them. Remus has never dealt with this kind of seizure - or whatever it is - before so he has no idea what to do, unlike his father, who knows exactly how to place the woman in bed, how to tuck her in and how to unzip her hoodie and the buttons of her nightdress so she could breathe easily.

"Is it good, love?" asks Lyall, his eyes filled with fear and nervousness, followed by Hope's sick chuckle.

One minute before she stops coughing, with her throat sore and eyes red, she finally speaks. "I'm fine, boys. Thank you." She's in her bed right now. 

In not even twenty minutes, Lyall is sound asleep next to the woman and Remus is still sitting in the chair next to their bed, tiredly, with his eyes closed and his hand grasping onto his mother's, who unlike them, is the most awake.

"Remus," whispers the woman softly and the boy's eyes open quickly.

"Are you alright?" are the first words leaving his mouth one second before opening his eyes, causing his mother to bless him with the sweetest smile.

"My baby," she whispers softly and with her thumb, she caresses the boy's skin. Her eyes sparkle at the sight of his beautiful hair and eyes, and pride fills her heart. A feeling she hasn't felt in such a long time coats her when her beautiful son sits right in front of her. "You've grown so much."

These words worry Remus. She's not going to die, is she? Her situation isn't even that bad- Why would she? He just wants to sit there and hold her hand forever. He curses himself for all those years as a child when he thought holding hands with your parents and spending quiet time with them was boring and childish and lame. He blames himself for all those years of happiness he's wasted and all those days he could have had fun with his mother. 

This is not the end, is it?

She seems like she's zoning out, her eyes anywhere but on her son's, which worries him even more. Please mom, just look at me. Look at me in the eye, hold my hand, and be here with me. Stop zoning out. These could be our last moments. 

But Hope's faded smile appears back on her dry lips. Her eyes are now somewhere on Remus' chest and he tries to figure out what she's thinking about or looking at.

"You've always been a lone wolf. My sweet, lone wolf." Her voice is also dry and scary and low, almost silent as she's gripping harder onto his hand. 

Remus looks down at his necklace and smiles. The light coming from outside the window reflects on the tiny diamond and makes it look almost magical.

Hope speaks again. "Lone wolves are the smartest, Remus. You're my smart boy. You've always made good choices in life and you've never let yourself be influenced by bad people. You've never followed the wrong pack. An omega is his own pack and his own influence, remember that." He feels as if she's speaking her last words and takes advantage of it. "Only because you're different doesn't mean you're... A monster. Being different is not a flaw. I know you, and I know you know how to deal with obstacles and how to get on the right side. I have faith in you. I always have and always will. I regret not spending much time with you, and so does your father. You've always been a quiet boy and always wanted to be alone, to read your book and stay in your room. I just wish your father and I knew how to appreciate it. I wish I had said things to you but I haven't. I haven't been the best mother. But I know you better than anyone else. I knew you were a lone wolf since you started spending so much time in your room. Breakfast, lunch and dinner in your room. Homework in your room. Movies in your room. I knew you were going to be one of a kind. I knew you would love to do things by yourself and never follow someone else. You're your own leader. You don't have to have friends or a girlfriend to be happy. The only thing you need is yourself. I believe you'll find happiness in something one day. I know you're not happy now. No lonely teen is." And she coughs again.

And Remus looks at her with tears in his eyes, because this time he absolutely, genuinely regrets not spending more time with her mother. He has no stories of her from her childhood. He doesn't know what music she used to listen to, or how his parents met or what was she like before. And he doesn't want her to leave him. Because she and his father are the only ones he truly loves and wants to be around. He can't lose her. 

"What I mean by that, Remus, is... That if no one seems to understand you, it's okay. You don't even understand yourself sometimes, that's totally normal. Your father and I didn't know what right questions to ask you and we didn't know what to say to make your childhood better. But we care for you. We love you unconditionally."

A tear falls on Remus' forearm, then it drips on his fingers and touches his mother's skin as well, gluing their souls together and leaving nothing but a beautiful feeling in the air. A priceless, indescribable sentiment. 

"I love you."


	10. The Marauder's Van

School sucks. It always has and it always will. At least for Remus. It's not necessarily that he doesn't like learning stuff- He does. It's not even related to waking up early- He loves that too. Maybe it's having to speak louder than usual and having eyes all over you, or perhaps having to dress decent for the sake of your reputation, or looking slightly good so no one thinks you're weird. It's a bunch of little things that gathered together make you insecure about yourself and make you feel as if you're put under pressure.

Maybe some people like it. People who are not like Remus. Maybe those who don't overthink and are not anxious enjoy being at school, with their cool friends and pretty significant others, and jocks like being watched by the pretty girls when they play football.

But all Remus wants is to be left alone. That's why he chose to sit at the desk in the very back of the class, with no one sitting next to him and teachers barely seeing him there. He likes to go unnoticed, and rather be the one that observes and notices things and people. He hates it when he is in the center of attention.

"Hey there." 

Remus is walking down the hallway and to the exit door when Lily appeares out of nowhere, rays of sun dripping down her glowing hair and giving it such a magical and fairy-like look. 

Remus smiles. "Hey, Lily. What's up?" 

After cleaning that other redhead's house after the party, Remus, Lily and her friends started talking more to each other. Peter sits text to him in a few classes, James waves at him if they meet in the bathroom and Sirius often sits with him on the bench right outside the high school when he waits for his father to come pick him up. It's like they're best friends now, and Remus is so grateful for meeting them and not having to be the 'lonely, awkward kid'.

"So... I was just wondering if you'd like to come on a little trip later today. With James and everyone," she proposes to the tall boy nicely.

He stops right before leaving the high school building and frowns a little. "Trip? Define trip." His mother is fine. She's taking her pills and even seeing a psychiatrist now so there's nothing to worry about if he's gone a few days, right? 

"Sirius has a van. Uh, we changed it a little so in the back of it, where initially there were a few more seats, is now a bed... Thingy. It's really cool." So hipster. "It's almost November, so we're going away for the weekend. We have a spot at the edge of the forest right outside the city."

"I'll have to ask my parents," Remus responds, but is actually excited for it. He's never had friends who do things like this- Cool things. "Thanks for thinking about me. I'll text you or something?" 

"Yes, sure!" Lily smiles. "I should give you my number- Or, ours. I'll give you their numbers too." 

"Sure." And then Lily gives Remus her number, James', Sirius' and Peter's and asks him to text any of them when he decides, also noting that they plan on leaving in a few hours, specifically six pm. 

"Should I, like... Bring something?" Remus politely asks and gives Lily some time to think.

"Hmm... I don't think so. I mean, of course- Water and clothes but nothing else. We've got the food, pillows, blankets and everything." 

Then, they go separate ways and by the time Remus gets home, he talks to his mother about it and then waits for his father to come home, around five pm, asking him if he could go.

"You know these kids well?" his father asks him, concerned about hanging out with bad influences, but also trusting his kid not to do anything stupid.

"Yeah, they're really cool. Not like other kids my age, don't worry about that," Remus assures his father with a slight nod.

"Sure, then. Do I have to take you somewhere or pick you up on Sunday?"

Remus thinks for a few seconds. "Uh, no. I don't think so. They have a van, which means they like to drive. Which also means they'll give me a ride home. If not, I'll give you a call." 

The boy is quick to pack a few things in his backpack, including his phone charger, his camera and clothes to change in. He changes the ones he went to school in with something more comfortable, meaning a pair of black, skinny jeans, a dark brown shirt with a hoodie and jacket on top. His beanie covers his curls and he walks all dressed up around the house and to the kitchen, where he prepares coffee and pours it inside a large thermos. They probably forgot about the coffee as well.

It's rainy outside, so he doesn't forget to also pack his umbrella in case they'll be walking out of the van. 

"I'm happy you have friends to hang out with, so quickly after moving here." His mother stands in the doorway with her arms wrapped around her body, looking a bit cold and sick, with her face a little pale and her hair messily tied in a bun. 

"Thanks, mom. I know. I'm lucky, I guess. How are you feeling?" Remus puts his thermos inside the backpack, then the backpack on his shoulders. "You look better than you did yesterday, for sure." He tucks her hair behind her ear and lets a forced smile capture his lips.

"And I feel much better. With the treatment and all. Will you give me a call or text when you get where you're staying or... I don't know, anytime?" Her voice is soft and rasped at the same time, hugging Remus' ears easily and giving them a sweet feeling. 

"Yes, mommy." Remus leans in to kiss her and tells her to take care, also saying goodbye to his father and telling them to call him anytime if they want to or if something happens, after which he leaves the apartment and walks down the stairs and waits for the van to arrive in front of the building.

It's already getting dark outside, the golden hour approaching as the sun hits the tops of the forests of the horizon. Remus is looking up at the car pulling over and sees James in the driver's seat, Lily in the passenger's seat and no one else in the backseats. 

"Hey, Wolfie!" James waves at Remus from inside the car, while Lily gets out of it and opens the door to the backseats. 

"Hey. Get in, boy." She smiles mildly. Her hair's tied in a bun and Remus absolutely loves how she looks, dressed so comfy and cozy. 

He follows her words and gets closer to the van, getting inside and being absolutely shocked that, instead of four or six backseats, there's a small couch, shelves on the walls and lots of pillows, blankets, books and posters all hidden inside what seems to be just a van.

"Woah..." does Remus after too many seconds of looking around and wondering how much work was put in all of this. 

"I know, right?" Sirius comes out of nowhere and Remus looks at the very back of the van.

"Where were you?" Remus asks with furrowed eyebrows.

The shorter one shrugs. "In the closet."

"What closet?" 

"The one behind the couch." Sirius points at the small cabinet and the boy who just entered the van wonders how he managed to fit in there, but forgets to ask. "Anyways..."

"Yeah, let's go get Peter and we'll go." James starts the engine and drives out of the alley leading to the building Remus lives in, the sky beginning to look red and purple once they're in front of Peter's house.

"What'd you bring?" asks Sirius when Remus puts his backpack on the couch between their bodies, leaving his jacket on his lap, since inside the van is pretty hot. James and Lily seem to be in their own world, talking about another things while they wait for Peter to show up.

"Coffee?"

"You're really serious with your coffee, aren't you?" Sirius is wearing a band t-shirt and a pair of ripped skinny jeans, sitting casually on the couch with his back pressed against the van's wall. 

"Yeah, kind of. Coffee's my thing."

"Cool. Well, I brought a few movies since James brought the projector. Peter will 100% bring snacks, we already have blankets and pillows and everything we need for a campfire. Lily brought new toothbrushes and some fruits but James' fridge already has stuff inside. Mostly beer but Peter will most likely bring thousands of snacks."

This seems genuinely planned. Remus learns that they do this quite often when they're not too busy at school or when they don't have any other weekend plans with their families, since they have this van and a "special spot" right outside the city, away from civilization and almost inside the mountains. Escaping is the one thing Remus needs right now and as he finally gets it, he can't be more happy.

"What's that?" Remus points at a piece of wood hanging from the ceiling of the van chandelier-like above his head. 

From the passenger seat Lily looks at Remus and chuckles. "That's the van's name. After James, Sirius and I built it we decided it should have a name or something. We wanted it to be either an actual simple name or a very fancy title, no in between." Lily seems so proud when she speaks about it, as if she is a proud mother talking about her successful child.

The boy narrows his eyes to see what it says but can't seem to read the weird letters. "What does it say?"

"The Marauder's Van."


	11. Take my hand if you're scared

They end up stopping some place at the edge of the forest, up on a hill. Remus doesn't know this place at all since he's new here and didn't ever think about coming somewhere like this- whatsoever, but the rest of them, especially Sirius, know this place like the backs of their hands.

This is where they come often to spend their weekends or even holidays. Lily's parents have a cabin somewhere inside these woods and they let her and her friends spend their holidays here, and sometimes they come along as well. It's nice to come here when it's really snowy and cold, turn on the fireplace and watch Christmas movies with your loved ones. Remus has never experienced that.

"Do you like it?" asks James as he turns his head to face the boy who spent the last 20 minutes (in which they drove here) talking about absolutely nothing with Sirius. 

Remus looks out the window and sees nothing but a beautiful sunset setting over the mountains and the trees from afar, leaving little light to the weak sky as it started turning into a purple-ish color, and then he nods.

"It's so cool. What is this place?" He's curious about why Sirius and his friends come here and don't go, like normal people their age, to parties and clubs. 

"Lily told us about it. She has a cabin near this place and one summer day when we were driving around we thought the trees looked really cool here. That's how it became our place."

It's quite impressing- How the trees and other cut trunks of theirs look like they've been placed specially for humans to hang out there- There are so many colorful flowers around and the meadow looks beautifully empty and lonely, but still amazing. There's an alley that lead them here but the actual road is far, far away from the place. Remus is concerned they won't know how to go back but they assured him that they're too familiar with these woods to get lost. They know every single corner of them.

It's cold out, so when they get out of the van they put their jackets back on and only after that they grab what they brought. In no time, the blankets are on the ground and their backpacks are next to them. 

Remus looks around once again, amazed by how the fog doesn't dare to touch this special place and how it looks like it's out of a sci-fi book, filled with beautiful flowers, tall and rich trees and fresh-looking, green grass on the ground. 

"It's nice, right?" Sirius comes from behind him, somehow startling the boy and making him smile shortly and nod. 

"Yeah, it's really beautiful." Breathtaking. Exquisite. Mesmerizing. So many other things it is, but it doesn't compare to-

"I know," Sirius approves. His friends are preparing things in the back but these two aren't paying attention to them. "Whenever I come here I feel so much more like home than inside my actual house."

Remus can relate so much, sadly. Why does he feel so much better here than around his apartment, than around his parents or anyplace else? He feels magical. He feels alright.

Sirius is now eyeing him completely and Remus doesn't even realize that. He doesn't even realize how, right now, the other boy is looking at him and sees a more beautiful, breathtaking and mesmerizing image than the meadow. 

But Peter breaks the silence by yelling about forgetting his favorite snacks, causing everyone, including Remus, to laugh.

"Not funny." The chubby boy pouts childishly and crosses his arms over his chest, obviously upset by the lack of his paprika chips. 

Instead of that, though, they have lots of coffee and other snacks, and even sandwiches made by James' mother. 

"OK, guys, what movie should we watch? I have the Kingsman movies, 'Love, Rosie', 'Chatroom' and a few horror ones." Sirius is now tying his hair in a bun as the other ones sit down, James and Lily obviously already next to each other, with Peter next to James and Remus next to Lily. 

"What horror movies do you have?" Peter asks.

Remus loves all the movies Sirius says he has, since he's the biggest horror films fan and has probably seen every single one there is. Sirius eventually plays on the projector (that is placed on the wall of the van) 'The Cabin in the Woods', since it fits well with the circumstances, and then sits next to Remus, knowing that Peter is all too upset and grumpy to be sitting next to.

Twenty minutes into the movie they finish their second cans of beer and are eating salt chips, although Peter would've much rather had paprika chips. The movie isn't scary for Sirius, since he's already seen it three times, but for the other, it's crazy scary. Sirius can literally feel Remus trembling- Maybe in fear or maybe because it's cold, but regardless of that, he doesn't hesitate to place his hand on his and part his lips.

"Hey," he does, causing Remus to look up at him. He only now realizes Sirius' hand's on his and he tries not to blush. "You scared?"

Yeah. 

Yes.

HELL YES.

"Nah," Remus lies.

He looks back at the movie and gulps.

"Just cold."

But Sirius knows. It's alright though, he was scared at first too. "You know... You can... Like, take my hand if you're scared," he whispers so quietly that Remus hardly hears, but still does, and his heartbeat goes crazy.

And his skin starts to burn and he feels like a small child, wanting to cuddle onto Sirius' chest and never leave. So he does.

And he takes his hand, and continues to watch the movie, feeling... OK. Feeling as if he's not lonely anymore, but still, unfamiliar. He doesn't question Sirius and his words. He stops thinking and just acts. He slowly and hesitatingly puts his hand inside Sirius', not even having to wait five seconds until Sirius grabs it back.


	12. :)

They came back on a Sunday night but found out classes were cancelled the next day because of the big storm that's about to land on the city. Remus was more than excited about the news, but still, it was a bummer that he wouldn't see his friends that day. He probably already got used to always being with them.

"How's mom?" Remus asks his father when he reaches the kitchen, where the man watches reruns of Friends on the small TV placed right on top of a cabinet with plates. 

"Still asleep, she hates this weather." With that, the boy gets closer to the window just to see how the water covers the entire street, and how the trees and wires get hit aggressively by the wind. 

"Doin' something today?" 

Remus hesitates because he has no idea what to do today, and it's only nine in the morning. "I don't think so. Probably will be in my room, sleeping."

"Yeah, there's nothing else you could do really. Not with this weather... Well, I have work in circa two hours so I should get going. I made some soup earlier, and there are also a few things in the fridge you'll like. Take care, son. I'll be home soon." 

His father kisses his forehead before he leaves the apartment, leaving Remus and his sleeping mother alone. The only sound filling the place is the TV his dad left on and the crazy raindrops splashing hardly against the glass. 

For some reason, the left side of Remus' throat aches and he feels as if he's caught a cold or something, for his nose doesn't work properly and he feels lazier and sleepier than usual. 

He goes back to his room, where he sits down and opens his phone, just to see he got a message from Sirius. 

__________

Sirius, 9:02 AM

hey

Sirius, 9:02 AM

still having nightmares from the movie? :)

__________

This causes Remus to roll his eyes, before starting to type.

__________

You, 9:05 AM

How did you know?

__________

Sirius replies almost instantly.

__________

Sirius, 9:05 AM

well, you really are a horror amateur. did you at least like it tho?

__________

You, 9:06 AM

I did, it was alright. Not that scary.

__________

That's obviously a lie.

__________

Sirius, 9:07 AM

that's why you were holding my hand and were shaking?

__________

With that, Remus' mouth drops and he locks the phone, hitting his head back on the hard pillow. What- Was he expecting Sirius to be drunk enough that night not to remember him holding his hand, or what? 

__________

You, 9:11 AM

Shut up

You, 9:11 AM

I was drunk, it was Comic-Con...

__________

Please get the reference, please get the reference...

__________

Sirius, 9:12 AM

.....so you shake at horror movies that aren't even that scary but you watch supernatural? damn boi

__________

Remus giggles proudly.

__________

You, 9:13 AM

Yeah, it's my favorite show.

__________

Sirius, 9:13 AM

i used to only watch it for Jensen Ackles but then i actually got into it lol

__________

You, 9:14 AM

SAME

__________

Sirius, 9:15 AM

are you home now tho?

Sirius, 9:15 AM

because if you haven't watched The Purge yet then i'm definitely coming over and we're watching it

__________

And that's kind of what happens. Hope is still asleep and Remus is cleaning his room quicker than he ever has before, waiting for Sirius to make it there after he sent him his address. 

In no time, there are three knocks on the door and for some reason, Remus gets all panicked and flustered and wants nothing else but to pretend the knocks weren't even there, and go to sleep. Why is he like this around Sirius?

"Hey, man," says Sirius when Remus opens the door for him, a backpack resting on his shoulders. "Brought my laptop just in case you didn't have one or something," he points out. "I think it got wet though, what the hell. It's an apocalypse outside."

"Yeah, I don't have one. Come on in." Remus leads Sirius to his clean and warm room, where he gets comfortable quite quickly as Remus rushes to get him a towel.

"Thanks, you didn't have to, I'm not that wet." Remus, however, throws the towel on the boy's curly wet locks and asks him if he needs a dry t-shirt. He obviously says yes- How could he refuse? Even if James dropped him off right in front of the building, he still got pretty wet and didn't feel like catching a cold right when the holidays almost approach.

"There you go, it probably fits you." Remus hands Sirius one of his black t-shirts with a tree pattern, and he unexpectedly takes of his jacket, hoodie and t-shirt right in front of Remus, after which he puts on this one's t-shirt. He looks good in it. 

He can keep it.

What?

"Thanks, mate. It's warm." He gives the other boy a warm smile before they set up the laptop and get on the bed where they can watch the movie. "Why's it so quiet in here though?" 

Remus stays silent for a few seconds. "No one's home except for me and mom. She's asleep though."

"Good that you told me," points Sirius, "We'll put earphones on then, this will get loud." And from inside his hoodie he grabs a pair of white earphones, plugs them inside the laptop and then gives one side of them to Remus. 

The movie starts and for whatever reason, the weather is just perfect for it. It gets scary and wild, but nice and warm at the same time. Remus feels so foreign about all this, for he's never had a friend back in his old town that's done things like Sirius or the others have done for him. It feels so nice, so... Comfortable.

"Adelaide Kane is cute," Sirius states when there's a scene of the teenage girl making out with her boyfriend in her bed, as she's only wearing her school uniform that's not necessarily... Decent.

Remus only gulps and doesn't say anything. Adelaide Kane indeed is beautiful, but for some reason he doesn't find her that attractive. 

More minutes into the movie, they end up cuddled. Remus' head lays on Sirius' chest, and his fingers are hidden inside of his hoodie and put under his head, eyes fixed on the laptop screen.

Little does he know Sirius' eyes land somewhere else. Some place other than the movie. And it's prettier, warmer and scarier. It's more wild and more interesting than a purge night and more exciting than killing your beloved neighbors. More questionable and more mysterious than any other scary movie- More questionable and mysterious than anything else he's ever encountered. 

Wolf boy.


	13. Fingertips

The boys are sleeping soundly and in each other's arms when Hopes reaches for the doorknob and opens the door to her son's bedroom. Surprisingly, he wakes up instantly at the sound of the wood brushing against the floor and even more surprisingly, he doesn't freak out when seeing his mother literally staying (in a very creepy way) in the doorway. 

"Mom? What... Are you doing here? Uh, is it night yet?" Remus forgets about Sirius laying next to him and nearly has a panic attack when he sees curly locks on the other pillow.

"No, honey. It's only 3 pm, I don't think you've slept much. Who's that?" She seems amused by her son's confused and tired expression and crosses her arms over her chest. 

Instead of replying, Remus just stands up, not remembering the ending of the movie or even falling asleep in his friend's cozy, warm and soft arms. Him and his mom walk to the kitchen, where she's already prepared a coffee for her son, without knowing he was asleep and wanting to surprise him.

"That's mine?" Remus asks and Hope nods gently. "Thanks. I love you. Oh- And, that's my friend... Sirius."

"One of the kids you went out with?" she asks curiously and receives a nod from the young boy. "Nice. What were you guys doing earlier. I was sleeping so well, I didn't even know you were home." And she chuckles.

Remus thinks for a brief moment. "Watched a movie. Then we both fell asleep, I guess." He tries keeping it short, hesitating to cause the discussion to last for too long and afraid of his mother commenting about Sirius individually. After all, she's just witnessed them sleeping and cuddling, and that's not exactly what even good pals do, right?

"Is he nice?" Is the only question coming out of his mother's mouth before being followed by the long seconds of silence. 

"Of course they are. Otherwise I wouldn't be hanging out with them."

"Honey, I'm only asking if Sirius is nice. Not his friends." His mother seems to speak in a very uncommon tone, which puts Remus in a weird mood.

"Sure, he's a nice pal. Why?" Remus shifts uncomfortably and runs his long freckled fingers through his hair.

"Just making sure you make friends with good people, sweetheart. I'm not trying to be over-protective or something, I trust you." Hope is now sitting down at the table with her son, both drinking their coffees and almost forgetting that it's 3 pm and they shouldn't be drinking it right now, or else they're not going to get enough sleep tonight. Well, at least in Hope's case, since Remus never exactly sleeps a lot and always drinks coffee.

"Sh- Bloody hell! The library! I forgot to go to work!" He almost spills coffee on himself when he rushes up and starts heading for his bedroom, but interrupted by his mother.

"Wait, you're talking of Mrs. Shirley's book shop?" asks her and Remus stops right before the door.

"Yeah?"

And Hope giggles. "Oh Remus. Sit down. She called me earlier, also the reason why I woke up, and told me her book shop is also closed today, just like other stores downtown. She probably couldn't make it there since most cars are obviously stuck in the snow and buses aren't working today."

The storm really is that bad. Remus wonders how the car Sirius came with worked, followed by thinking of Remus waking up soon and having to make him coffee too. Will he like it? When they were out the previous days, he drank the coffee Remus made just like that- Not too sweet but not too bitter.

"Thank God." Remus sits down, relieved by his mother's words and sipping from his coffee. He probably would've hated himself if he forgot to go to work- It would've gotten stuck in his head and he'd think about it everyday until his last day.

"Calm down, baby, you did nothing wrong." His mother sends him the warmest smile and he responds with a slightly forced one, his heart still beating anxiously and arms freezing, although he's wearing a sweater. This year is really cold.

"I know... Yeah." 

And then the door opens, and both of them look at it silently, when Sirius comes out of the bedroom with his curly locks completely messy and his eyes puffy, lips slightly red from sitting with his face pressed to the pillow.

"Uhm..." the boy starts when his eyes adjust to the powerful light coming from the snow outside, and then tries to brush his hair with his fingers only to look more decent. "Hello. I'm Sirius."

"Yes, I know. I'm Hope, Remus' mother, nice to meet you." When Sirius is close enough to them two, he shakes hands with Hope and, invited by her, sits down between her and her son. 

"Sorry for sleeping so much," he says rather quickly after sitting down and gives Remus an apologetic look. "How long ago did you wake up?"

"Just a few minutes ago, don't worry."

"Do you want a coffee, Sirius?" Hope finishes her right before saying this, and leaves her chair to go to the counter. Sirius only raises his hand up to his neck and scratches it.

"Uh, yes, please."

He's so nice and polite. Hope likes him a lot, he's not at all like Remus' ex friends-

"I'll make his coffee," Remus stands up, "You can go back to your room if you want, mom-"

"It's OK, I can make it," she interrupts her son and already starts making the coffee for his friend. "You can go to your room and I'll bring it to you, alright?" 

They just nod and go to Remus' room, him having his own hot coffee in his hands and placing it on the nightstand when they decide to sit down on the bed, after Sirius slightly arranges the bed sheets.

"Your mom's really nice," Sirius points and Remus shows a frown between his eyebrows. "What? She really is!" the shorter one chuckles and gives the other one a nudge. 

"Yeah, I know. She makes really good coffee too," Remus states.

"Now I know where you're getting it from."

He almost blushes. Almost.

"I slept well," Sirius breaks the silence again. "Your- Bed is really comfortable."

Your arms are comfortable as well, Remus thinks.

"Thanks, I guess," Remus chuckles. Sirius and him are face to face now, just sitting and looking at each other (obviously, Remus looks down at his hands more than at his friend).

The silence feels uncommonly good, as if it's meant to be there and it fits the situation just perfectly- Like it's the answer to the day's weather, time and place, if that makes any sense. Remus and Sirius don't feel uncomfortable or bad, but rather relaxed and good.

For some reason, Remus' breath is irregular and sort of heavy right when his fingertips accidentally and slowly touch Sirius'. They don't even bother to look up at each other, only after long seconds of playing tenderly with each other's fingertips. 

And without knowing, both of them find themselves leaning in, getting closer and closer to each other and not even thinking about what the next move should be. All they do is shut their eyes and then quickly open them back up when they're interrupted by Hope entering the room with Sirius' coffee.


	14. The other side

Remus wakes up feeling rather bad. Extra bad. Picky. Not in the mood for anything and feeling as if he's a girl during that time of the month. 

Perhaps he is.

He barely even makes it to school alive, for he forgot to make sure if any cars were coming when he crossed the road and didn't even care how many people yelled at him to get out of their way.

He's just not having it. Maybe it's because he forgot to take his pills these last few days because he was feeling himself and thought he didn't need them anymore but we all know that's absolute bullshit- He just hates the side effects of those pills. Feeling dizzy and sleepy, craving food and being lazy... I mean that's just the way he is on a daily basis but those aspects accentuate obviously when he takes his pills. 

"'Aye, pal!" Remus does not turn around at the sound of the annoying girly voice and regrets his body for doing it for him. Tonks.

"I gotta get to class, Tonks," he mutters under his breath, words which make the purple head's smile disappear.

"What's up with you?" He shuts his locker closed and is followed by Tonks to his class.

"Except for the fact that I don't have the nerves to deal with a girl who drugged me without my will at a party and left me wasted all by myself when I had no one else to put my trust in? Nothing, really." He's sarcastic. He's been acting like this a few days every few months and he's already used to it, so it's a bit concerning he's not even trying to at least pretend not to feel like this, especially with a girl.

"Wow, stop there. Drugged you without your will? I think you forgot the part where you asked me to give you something to be high on?" She lies, lowering her voice when a few teens walk past them, neither of them wanting to cause a bigger scene than they've already caused.

"Stop with your bullshit. I don't have time for you and your... Stupidities." So he just leaves her alone in the middle of the hallway and instead of going to class, enters the bathroom and goes to the last cabin where he jumps with his legs on the toilet and sits on the water tank. 

He moves his backpack in front of him and grabs his unused pack of cigarettes and of course, overthinks if he should start smoking again or not. He bought this pack when he got here and hasn't smoked since then but... Honestly it doesn't sound like a bad idea. He's stressed, under pressure, sad, being lied to, tired and feels blue. Smoking is the only way out.

"Hey, Tonks. Have you seen Remus? We have Maths together but he's nowhere to be found." Sirius is being a sweetheart to the girl as she already rolls her eyes and crosses her arms over her chest like the sassy bitch she is at the mention of Remus.

"I suggest you don't go after him, I think he's on his period." But still nods towards the bathroom and receives a weird smile from the curly headed boy as he walks inside, only to have his nostrils filled with the oh so familiar smell and to know exactly where to go and what to see.

"Didn't know you smoked." Sirius startles Remus and the echo of his raspy voice sends goosebumps to the boy's skin. 

"Yeah, I'm having a bad day I guess." For some reason, Remus feels like he has to be nice to this guy. He feels like if he'll be bad to him or act like a bitch around him, he'll hurt his feelings. 

Sure, he's more masculine and looks like a real tough man but, there's just something in him that makes him look like the cutest boy on the planet, and such a weak spot for Remus, sadly.

"And you think smoking cigarettes will help you get through it?" Sirius does his thing with his thick eyebrow and looks up at Remus, somehow looking intimidating.

"Yes?" Isn't it obvious, dumbo? "What else do you recommend?"

Sirius thinks for a few seconds before shrugging. "Have you went to any classes yet?"

"No."

"Me neither. Let's skip classes and do something fun," he says casually and Remus just finishes his cigarette and flushes it down the toilet, then shrugs.

"What do you mean by 'fun'?"

Sirius is just so... Unexpected and spontaneous, exactly the opposite of Remus who only likes and enjoys doing things that are perfectly planned and arranged.

"You'll see." 

Turns out Sirius' definition of fun is eating lots of Big Mac's and drinking lots of soda, then going to the nearest cafe and buying hot chocolate for him and his sad mate, after which they go behind the cafe building, where no one is allowed to be and literally nothing but trees and an abandoned parking lot are there.

They both sit down on the bench with their hands and noses freezing, lips pressed to their hot chocolates and stomachs full.

Out of the blue, Sirius gets something out of his pocket and it looks like a really tiny bag of something, something that immediately catches Remus' eye and makes him gulp. 

"Weed? Seriously?" I smile almost gets to his lips when Sirius rolls a tight joint and pulls out his lighter.

"This is the closest place near out school that doesn't have any cameras around," Sirius says honestly. Does he trust Remus so much that he'd smoke like that around him and wouldn't even ask Remus to not say a word to anyone about it? It's crazy.

"Want some?" The shorter boy asks nicely and Remus thinks again and again. It's not like he's not smoked before but is he sure he wants to start this again?

"Of course." It'll make his day better.

And temporarily? It did. After smoking the joint and ending up with each other's heads on each other, Sirius and Remus not only felt lighthearted and peaceful, but also felt like their heads and hands belonged there, next to each other. They just both fit like a sweater and it's not like they can't see it, because it's so obvious they do.

Too bad they're the ones choosing to ignore it.


	15. Suspicious

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GUYS I LITERALLY WROTE THIS WHEN I WAS 15 DON'T JUDGE ME PLEASE

"I'm sure you've all heard about the Halloween party coming up-" The principal's voice quickly is interrupted by the students' dramatic gasps and intruding whispers, causing the old man to roll his eyes. "Please, please, don't act like 4-year-old's... Stop talking." 

And with that, the principal starts announcing the time, date and place the Halloween dance is going to take place, starts listing some ground rules and consequences of breaking them and obviously gets as a response immature gasps from the kids.

Remus is in no way, shape or form excited for the dance. First of all, he doesn't know how to dance. Second of all, the party will most likely have either forbidden or allowed alcohol, which Remus isn't supposed to be around. Sure, ever since then he's had a drink or two, has gone to bars and has been around alcohol so many times, yet he doesn't know if in this kind of situation he'll be able to control himself from actually having too many drinks.

"Hey, mate!" Peter sits down next to Remus and his face lights up instantly. He's always happy to see Peter. "Want some?" Remus raises his eyebrow when the chubby boy places his french fries on the table in front of him. 

Remus just shakes his head and lies, "I already ate today." He's just not hungry at all. He hasn't been eating a lot these past few days.

"You're coming to the Halloween dance, right?"

"Yeah," Remus spills out almost instantly, almost looking suspicious but not raising any questions to Peter's head. 

"Hey, boys!" Why does Tonks always find her way back to Remus? It's annoying how she's always here to interrupt the nice atmosphere and ruin Remus' mood for the rest of the day.

"'Sup." Peter doesn't look to excited to meet her either. Maybe it's just Remus... But every time Tonks comes around, it seems as if everyone's mood just goes to hell, literally every single time. She's like this huge black, dark cloud that always ravages sunny days.

Now, the students can scarcely hear whatever the principal is speaking, for mostly everyone has started speaking over him and stopped paying attention. Remus can see Sirius and James walking inside the cafeteria as well, but not paying attention to the principal and talking subtly about something else that catches Remus' interest, because they look very frustrated and tense.

"Ay, Rem? You wanna come outside for a sec?" Tonks places her arm dangerously close to Remus' head, on his shoulder, thing that startles him just a little bit.

"What about?" He's uninterested. Indifferent. Completely neutral. 

"Things," the girl replies, expressionless. 

"And... Why do we have to go outside?" he asks.

She sighs. "Because I wanna talk to you privately about something. In order to do that, we both need to leave this place full of members of the human race." She's so sarcastic, which is almost ironic- It bothers Remus so much - everything about her personality, but especially the sarcasm. With that being said, he now realizes just how annoying he is to people.

He says nothing and sends his boy friend an apologetic look before standing up, putting his jacket on and letting go of the kindness when he walks in front of Tonks and not behind her, rushing outside of the cafeteria and flying past James and Sirius like a tornado. He's just not feelings himself today again.

"What is it?" They're both in the backyard of the high school now and although it's overly cold outside, they don't go back inside or anywhere else. 

"'Sup with you lately? Thought we were friends and look how you're acting now." She looks genuinely hurt, too bad she is not. "I mean after that party you just literally black me out, never text me, never say hi and shit, why the hell?"

Remus rolls his eyes. "I wonder why."

"...Don't be a child, tell me what did I do."

Now she just sounds like a young kid whining.

"You fucking-" Remus looks around and grabs the girl by her shoulders, pushing her next to a coffee vending machine to make sure no one can hear them, and then continuing: "You fucking made me trip that night at the party and didn't give me a goddamn choice, 'cause you knew I was already drunk." 

His cheeks are red and it's not from the coldness outside, giving Tonks just a second of fear down her throat. 

"You weren't drunk," she fights.

"I was. Period. Stop fooling around- You can't possibly be that stupid." He lets out a fake laugh, knowing just how incorrect that statement was. "I just don't want anything to do with you and that's it." 

She puffs her red cheeks and crosses her arms over her chest, now completely looking like an absolute fucking child. An annoying one. "You do realize I'm the only one that can get you shit 'round here, right?" She's talking about drugs and Remus rolls his eyes again.

"I couldn't care less, Tonks. You shouldn't have done shit and I would've still been friends with you, not that I ever was or something." He doesn't care if he's being rude or anything like that, she deserves it. 

"Just-" She looks around and bites the insides of her lips, anxiously, "Don't say things to people. I could get in trouble and I don't need that. I didn't do you that bad."

Little does she know.

'Cause after Remus' lips have started to feel and take in the taste of self-destruction and numbness, after he tasted the tastelessness once again and has felt his head move on his own and started seeing colors that don't even exist, again, he won't be able to take control over his past actions growing all over him and eating him alive, like they did before and leaving nothing behind, but a bloody mess.


	16. Erotica

"Wolf boy." His voice has honestly become such a familiar sound to Remus. Even when they're not together and it's been more than a weekend since they've last seen each other, Remus can still hear Sirius' voice calling out his nickname or he can see his smirk and the slight stubble lost on his chin.

"Sirius, hey! Where are the others?" Remus sits at his usual table at the bookstore, cuddle up in his hoodie with a mug of coffee he took from home so he could refill it at the coffee shop right next to this library, since it's free only for him and Mrs. Shirley. 

It's been one week since the Halloween party has been announced and people have already started decorating their houses and streets in a spooky way, neighbors competing against each other to see which one has the scariest ghosts protecting their houses, who has the biggest scarecrow in their yard and who's going to give the most candies to the little kids on the darkest night.

Of course, Remus and his parents still haven't started. They don't really believe it's worth it, although Hope really enjoys Halloween and is always excited about the horror movies, the fake blood and hilarious kids.

But the bookstore is looking rather fantastic with red and orange lights hanging from the ceiling, spiderwebs and crows resting on the shelves and candles lightning the rusting architecture of the place.

"James and Lily are going to get here in a few minutes, they had something to do and Peter got sick last class and went straight home. 'Sup?" Sirius places his elbows on Remus' table and sends him the most handsome smile ever.

I'm doing fine, Remus almost speaks but doesn't. He thinks whether he should bring up why they have not talked too much this past week, why they haven't come to the library since that day Sirius looked suspiciously mad in the cafeteria and why Tonks hasn't showed up to school at all since that day.

"Nothing much," comes out of his mouth like smoke after you blow out a candle. 

"You're probably already getting bored of this place," Sirius points out and causes Remus to nod his head no.

"Nah, it's just boring not to have anything to do. I like this place." It's the truth. He loves spending his time here because he knows 'home' wouldn't feel as cozy and lovely, even though his parents would be there and it has to feel nice. It just doesn't, for some unknown reason.

"Hello." A young girl with medium brown bob-cut hair and rectangular glasses stops in front of the boys, a school bag hanging from the right shoulder as she's wearing an artsy beige dress and long white socks. Remus wonders if she's not cold with her bare thighs and all that but then sees the coat resting on the inside of her arm. "Um, would you mind helping me find Driven, by K. Bromberg?"

Would he mind helping you find what, exactly? He's never heard of that before.

Sirius steps away and watches Remus do his job with a proud dad smile on his amused face. "Sure, just let me check for it here..." He moves the mouse of the PC so it turns on and types in the book title and author, just to find out that the section he has to search for the book in is Erotica. 

"Oh-" Remus does and his cheeks turn red, only to catch Sirius' curiosity, but he doesn't look in his computer. "Sure, come."

He leads the girl to the Erotica section, where the authors' initials are hanging from the shelves, and then searches for the book himself and finds it in not longer than ten seconds. 

"Thanks," she shyly replies and grabs the book in her tiny hands and Remus returns to Sirius with a hilariously timid expression.

"What?" Sirius laughs.

"Nothing, it's just-" Remus can't hold in the second giggle and sits down, reading the description of the book from the PC. "Our chemistry is undeniable. Our attraction is magnetic. Our ability to help each other heal obvious. And even though he won't let me in, there's something about Colton I can't walk away from. This is the beginning of our story. Our fight. Our perfectly imperfect love." And he laughs heavily. 

"Is that an erotic book, or what?" Sirius wonders and as a reply, he receives a nod from the other boy. "Wow, so mature of you to be amused by it."

"What do you mean?" Remus rolls his eyes.

"I mean," And he changes his position so now he's fully facing Remus, with his elbows back on his table and his lips eyeing Remus'. "It's just erotica. Sex. Romance. You virgin."

"You virgin," Remus mocks the curly headed dumbass. 

"What, are you saying you're not a virgin? Oh, wait- I forgot that girl took your virginity back at the party a few days ago-" 

"I wasn't a virgin when that- What? Why are we even talking about my virginity? Why do you care?" Remus chuckles amusingly and Sirius shrugs.

"I don't. You just act childish when it comes to erotic shit. Are you vanilla or something?" 

Vanilla? Remus is not vanilla. Why would Sirius think such a thing?

"No?" He looks offended and sends Sirius an evil pair of pearls. "It's just- Why would you wanna read books about sex when you can just have sex?"

"Some people enjoy reading about sex, not to get off or something but because they like it. Maybe they're incapable of having sex, or don't have anyone to do it with or are shy and need stories about sex to feel experienced and to get ready." 

"OK, wise man. How about porn? They can watch porn to learn how to have sex, as if that's possible. Guess how I learned to have sex? By having it."

"True. Don't judge them though, everyone has their own guilty pleasure." He sounds so knowledgeable and it's so hot to Remus how he defends strangers and acts so mature.

"You're right, sorry. I'm just not used to helping 12-year-old's find sex books." 

Sex books. Sirius laughs. 

"She wasn't twelve. Have you seen her tits?" Remus almost blushes again.

"No- I didn't exactly look. Plus, she could be twelve and still have huge tits. Nowadays that's how things work."

Weird how they're talking about Remus' virginity first, then sex, 12-year-old's and tits. 

"Yeah, she's hot," Sirius says while his eyes wonder through the decorated shelves and look for the girl. 

Of course she is. You think every girl is hot, Remus thinks.

"Go to her, ask for her number or do something," Remus proposes and Sirius raises one eyebrow.

"Or do something. You're saying that as if I can do something else than ask for her number." Then Sirius pauses to look after her again and sees her sitting down and reading that book with her earphones plugged. "I heard a girl from our school got finger fucked in the Sci-Fi section."

Remus was just sipping his coffee when Sirius said that, and spilled almost all of it on his lap. "Fuck-" Remus looks down at his wet skinny jeans and quickly reaches for the tissues on the desk, with help from Sirius on placing them on the now hot and soaked material.

"Sorry, oh God. I didn't think you'd have such a reaction!" Sirius doesn't know if he's supposed to laugh or feel bad, so he just wipes away the coffee from this boy's pants. "Just tell me if I touch your dick, 'cause that'd be weird."

"Stay away from my dick, Black." 

The sentence causes an old woman looking through the Literature section to look at them and them embarrassingly look away.

"Shut your mouth, Wolf Boy."


	17. First kiss

"So..." Remus plays with his pen, confusedly. "She got finger-fucked then she actually sucked his dick? In this library? In the Sci-Fi section?" He fidgets uncomfortably. 

"Yep." Sirius sips from Remus' new coffee, and wonders if his pants got any drier than a few minutes ago. "Right there."

"Talking about Sci-Fi- I have to put a few books on the shelves, would you mind helping me out?" Remus already knows Sirius' answer so he doesn't wait for it, standing up and grabbing the box of books from the ground, walking slowly and confidently to the Sci-Fi section, not being able to stop himself from imagining two people satisfying each other against this exact shelf.

They both effortlessly put the books on the shelf, the only sounds filling the room being the old covers brushing against each other and against the oak of the shelves. 

As they're finishing, Remus puffs his cheeks. "God, how can one even give a blowjob here?" He doesn't know why he just asked Sirius this- It's curiosity. Honestly, how can you do it silently? Or even knowing people are just a few shelves away from you?

That's when they stop from walking back to the desk and Sirius stops in front of Remus. The taller boy is now kept between a very tall shelf and Sirius. 

"Well... You get on your knees, look him right in the eyes and take his pants off-"

"Stop!" Remus chuckles and he looks around to see no one around. He's embarrassed. 

"Why, am I getting you hard?" Sirius jokes and that's when Remus' eyes roll for the millionth time this day.

"Yes. I'm so hard for you. Oh baby, yes, please," he does expressionlessly. 

Sirius thinks for a second and eyes him with his lips rolled between his teeth. "That was kinda hot."

Remus blushes and sighs. "Sure."

"I mean it. I'd literally get down on my knees right here, right now, and suck your dick. In the kids' section." Sirius holds back a laugh and so does Remus, which can't help but get really red.

"Are you stoned?" he asks.

Sirius replies with a roll of his eyes. "I was just saying... It's really easy to suck a dick and get finger fucked here. No one's paying attention anyways. Also, Mrs. Shirley doesn't have exactly a good hearing. Wanna try?"

Sirius is being very playful and Remus doesn't know yet if he likes it or absolutely hates it. He doesn't want to admit to himself that he's developed a crush on his male friend. Not yet. He hides it from himself and wants to keep it hidden just for a little longer- He wants to hold onto his initial self just for some time until he's ready to let go and become his true self. Until then... He'll just have to deal with hating himself.

"You're probably thinking about me sucking your dick right now," Sirius smirks. He actually is. Sirius probably is too, but he's too manly and handsome to admit that. 

Why doesn't talking about dick feel weird and uncomfortable though? They're both pretty OK with it, apparently.

"Yes, I get so hard just thinking bout it." Remus hides the truth in his tone with sarcasm and tons of practice to have an expressionless face.

Neither of them realized how close they have gotten and how their breaths collapse together as if it's something usual. Remus is now holding onto the edge of the wooden shelf and is waiting for the boy to make a move... Any move. Honestly, he really wouldn't mind if their lips somehow touched, just for a quick moment and for no reason. He just wants that for himself, to know what it feels like to have kissed a boy and to have a fulfilled desire.

Without knowing why, Sirius' breath hitches when his head moves forwards on his own, and he almost has a heart attack when he feels one of Wolf Boy's curls hitting his forehead. It feels heavenly to be so close to each other, yet so sinful and full of regret, because once a loud door being shut interrupts their moment, their cheeks fill with blood and they can't help but avoid each other's eyes on their way back to the desk.

"James just texted me." Sirius is the one to break the tense silence and Remus looks up from his PC. As if he was actually doing anything. "Since it's Friday and we can't go on a trip he invited us to sleep over. You, me, him and Lily. Wanna come with?"

"Will there be any alcohol?"

"There's always alcohol. And not only."

Remus smiles. "Sure, then. But- If I throw up... Turn around."

Of course Sirius doesn't. 

After only one hour and a half of being together, the four teenagers are both high and drunk and partying hard, Remus vomiting in James' bathroom with Sirius holding his curls so they wouldn't hit his forehead, James dancing with Lily to rock music and neighbors wondering how the fuck do they have so much energy in them.

The answer is: They're teenagers and teenagers are supposed to act like they've got nothing to lose, and like they don't know if today is their last day. Both of these statements are also true, though. Neither of them has got nothing to lose and neither of them don't know if they'll be living tomorrow. They could die any minute, a meteor could be aiming for their exact city at any time, or they could get dangerously sick. At. Any. Time. 

"Are we going to ignore the fact that everyone dislikes Kanye and Lil Pump's new song but it's actually really good?" James blurs out out of the blue when they're all sitting down on James' bed, which has the prettiest green sheets and the most comfortable pillows ever. Remus' head approves.

"I actually like it. Only when I'm drunk though..." says Lily, shyly, and puts her empty beer on the floor. Her cheeks are awfully red and her hair's all messy, like she just came out of a jungle or something.

"Let's play truth or dare," proposes James with a smile on his red lips.

"Yeah, let's. I miss Peter." Sirius starts being emotional.

"Uh, we do too. Sirius, truth or dare?"

"Dare, obviously." 

James starts thinking and when he comes with an idea, he tells Sirius that after one of us says a bad word, Sirius has to make up a song with that bad word in every line of it. 

Remus says "shit" so Sirius thinks for a few seconds before singing the most random and ugly song of all times. 

Embarrassing questions like "what's your bra size" and "how long is your dick" are being asked and unanswered, so they all choose to just drink more and answer all questions.

"Remus," Lily says after another beer, "Have you ever kissed a boy?"

The questions does not seem odd for neither of them, for they're all absolutely and completely drunk and most likely will not remember anything the next day. 

"I've never kissed a boy." Remus speaks the truth.

"Do you want to, though?" Lily gets too curious.

"Hey, hey!" Sirius interrupts. "You're breaking the rules. You mustn't ask two questions in a row." 

"Oh, please. I'm sure Remmy here doesn't mind it." And then Lily pokes Remus' cheek and smiles cutely. "I hope so."

"It's fine." Remus shrugs absently. 

"Your turn, Sirius. Truth or dare?" Lily seems a lot into the game, and it's really just starting to get interesting.

Sirius has chosen dare and truth before, so he doesn't know what to choose next. Obviously... "Dare."

Lily thinks for a bit before the crazy idea pops in her head, not being subtle at all when her smile widens and her crystal eyes lighten up. 

"I dare you to be Remus' first boy kiss."

That's when Remus almost wakes up, and so does Sirius. What? Lily actually wants them two to kiss? For real? Like, on the lips? Like couples do? Is she crazy? 

Sirius eyes Remus the weirdest and expressionless face, somehow asking for his consent with a raise of his eyebrows and awaiting impatiently for the answer. "You want to?" He repeats himself, this time verbally.

What can he say now? Sure? No, that'd sound pathetic. Nah? That's cowardly. "Yes?" He accidentally thinks out loud and everyone is looking at him, causing anxiety to run him over, heavily. 

They get close to each other, almost feeling as if they became strangers and they don't know what to do. It's rather awkward at first, when they're face to face and chest to chest, getting themselves to sit comfier so close to each other and knowing all eyes are on them. But after that, when Sirius' hand traces lines up Remus' red, hot cheeks, it all feels so... Good. Familiar. At least for Remus, who has no idea just how fast Sirius' heart is beating as well.

They feel as if it's their first kiss and they're both two teenage girls who've impatiently been waiting for this their whole lives. 

They press their lips to each other's in a very platonic and weird way, that gets comfortable and nice after only one second, when their mouths blend into each other and make that sound. Sirius obviously forgets to ask for permission before sliding his tongue into Remus' mouth, and Remus forgets to be subtle about his little boy crush on one of his best friends when his chest moves forward and his palm also rises to the other boy's cheek.

They're now letting it all go, savagely rubbing their tongues together and letting sounds escape their plump lips, forgetting about the other two people in the room and just kissing so wildly and hungrily, yet slowly and gently. It's like the most two opposite poles have met and created such a beautiful feeling of coldness and hotness, sweetness and bitterness.

But perhaps that's what the two of them together created. Such different souls yet such a perfect matching.

Fire and water. 

And it feels world-crushing. How such a beautiful feeling can feel so filling and delightful, yet so bad and regretful. How their lips are not only covered in each other's tastes, but also the sadness and coldness of knowing they have to pull away.


	18. Trying

He's been overthinking lately. 

Remus finds himself way too many times into situations like these, where he's stuck in bed, thinking about his past and actual actions and wishes he was dead. He doesn't lift a finger, doesn't move a muscle and just sits and thinks, like the weird boy he is.

The Halloween dance is today. 31st October and many skeletons hanging from outside people's homes and stores, carved pumpkins spooking kids and cinemas around featuring horror movies like every other year.

Remus is somehow excited for that, yet feels like today won't be different from any other day. Just slightly more entertaining maybe, but that's all. He's never been the biggest fan of dances. Don't get him started on parties, though.

He used to be the soul of every party back then. He'd skip classes for parties. He'd jump out the window when grounded to go to a party. 

You're throwing a party but you live 300 miles away from Remus? Don't worry, he's obviously going to spend all his money on transportation there. The house is full? Don't worry, you will make some space for him, you don't have a choice. Everybody knew how Remus was- Always there to party, and never really going to school or studying for it. He was either at a party, either at the corner of some block with his friends, get-

"Honey!"

Hope is standing in the doorway of Remus' bedroom, holding onto a piece of clothing that she made for today. A costume. 

Sirius and Remus planned to have matching costumes, since James, Lily and Peter are also doing that. Sirius' costume was ready yesterday, and now Remus' is done. They only have to get their make-up done at Lily's and that's it.

"You okay, dear?" Hope sits down next to Remus on his bed, her face looking slightly more pale than the day before and her eyes becoming worryingly dark. But Remus doesn't notice just yet.

"Yeah, why?"

There's a moment of silence for Hope knowing Remus thinks she's stupid.

"I don't know, you were just sitting there... And I thought you were thinking too much. Were you thinking too much?"

Remus nods. "It's nothing, mom. Really. I was just... Thinking about the party." He really thinks Hope is buying his shit? She obviously doesn't. She always knows when something's wrong with Remus, even when his eyes use this kind of curtain to cover it all behind some fake smile or laugh, even when they're apart and the only way she could figure out how he feels is through the phone, by hearing his voice. Literally always.

"What is it?" The woman gently and quietly sits down next to her teen boy, and he notices how dead she looks. How around her eyes are soundly sleeping a pair of profound dark circles that she shouldn't be having, and she didn't use to have just a few days back.

"I don't know, mom. That's what it is." 

Remus doesn't know how to say it. 

Mom, I don't know what to do. I feel this certain way about my friend I shouldn't be feeling. I also started doing it again. And also I've been lacking sleep and food and everything these few days. I also feel like taking my days and stopping this useless pain. 

As in useless pain I mean I feel lonely although I have my friends beside me, sad although I'm happy, cold although I'm physically warm. I don't know what's happening to me and I also think I'm having episodes again.

"I know." And just like that, she knows everything. Just by looking into his eyes, with her motherly witchy super-power Remus has always known she has, she understands everything he doesn't say. Everything he wishes he'd know how to put into words. "And I'm here for you. I don't want you to isolate yourself from me again because this time I'm listening. Your father as well."

He doesn't need to say thanks, so he just hugs her and wishes she knows how grateful he is for her.

And then he's already at Lily's and she's putting make-up on his face. Then, all of them are costumed at the local store, illegally buying alcohol. Remus doesn't buy anything since only James and Sirius do and say they would obviously all share the same alcohol, but in reality Remus wants to say pass. 

So, when they're already behind the noisy place the Halloween party is held at and they're opening the bottle of cheap vodka, Remus does a face and Sirius notices. 

"Don't you like vodka?" he asks Remus with a raised eyebrow.

"No, I do. I just don't wanna drink right now." 

"Why nooot?!" Lily whines. "Just a sip to get in the mood, I feel bad if we're drinking and you're not."

James agrees and continues with "Yeah, mate. You shouldn't be the only sober one." Well, you shouldn't be the drunk ones. Not around him.

"Leave him alone, guys." 

And they all shut up when Sirius speaks. Obviously.

"Sorry, Remus, I didn't mean to put any type of pressure on you or anything, it's just that-"

"It's alright, Lily, really! Don't worry. Just... For personal reasons I'm trying to quit drinking, you know," Remus explains with an ordinarily kind face and they all nod, only Sirius' eyes completely focused on the taller boy's sparkling, woken eyes.

And Remus sees, and wishes Sirius would reach out for his hand, and then kiss him. 

"What the hell are y'all supposed to be?" With a very deep and pronounced American accent, some naive looking girl dressed as a slutty leopard starts laughing at the group. "Are those tails?"

"Y-Yeah." James looks at his friends, panicked. "I'm a stag and she's a deer." 

"Goals. What about you?"

She's looking at Sirius and he furrows his eyebrows, sarcastically replying with "A fucking vampire. Don't you see the dog nose and the costume?"

"I'm a rat." Peter's probably too excited for the dance.

Remus shuts up. "Yeah, I get it, you're a dog too."

"Wolf."

"Sure. OK then, Imma leave. Hope I don't get any rabies!" She leaves noisily and leaves them quiet for just a second, before all of them burst into laughter and start commenting on her.

Except for Remus, he's thinking about his mother, father and Sirius. Maybe about his friends back home. But mostly his mother and Sirius. How is she? Has she eaten yet? Will she wake up tomorrow? Will Sirius kiss him again? 

He hopes so.


	19. Snape, Snape, Severus Snape

It's crazy how much a few people can change so many things in your life. So many little details, aspects that were once a tradition, and are now... Gone, or completely changed.

For example, Remus used to not eat. He used to only live on perhaps an apple and 20 glasses of water everyday. Ever since he's moved here, James, Lily and Sirius (Peter not so much) always pick him up when he's free from work and they go to eat at some small, cheap restaurants or fast food places, but which have the greatest food and leave Remus regretful of not eating for so long.

OK, he's not saying everything changed in good. Not at all.

It's a taboo thing for the Lupin's to discuss, they never at all bring it up, never before, during or after dinner, never when it's time to go to bed, never when there's nothing to talk about. It's something sensitive for all of them, but mostly for Remus.

He used to have trouble with drugs and alcohol. He used to be the kind of 14-year-old who'd beg for £10 from his mother to buy his weed. And then, he'd been the 15-year-old already known by everyone to be selling the best stuff, to be willing to do anything to smoke some then sell some. He used to be known by everyone to be waited for at corners, not by kids his age but actual grown-ups who knew he had the best pot out of all dealers out there.

And his parents knew. 

Hope and Lyall knew their kid was an addict once he started coming home way too calm after not passing an exam, with his eyes way too red to be from tiredness and with his hands shaking like crazy in the morning because of not smoking anything. They weren't against him smoking cigarettes, but had nothing to do when they found out it wasn't just cigarettes his was smoking.

And it wasn't only weed. It was also ethnobotanicals, cox, speed, pills, acid. Everything. He knew everything like the back of his hand and knew he was going to suffer consequences. But unfortunately, still because of everything he was doing, he did not care. At all.

This had a big impact on his entire family, who's chosen not to participate into helping Remus wake up from this mess of a nightmare. Obviously, except for his two parents who didn't hesitate to understand him, be there for him and help him in any way they could.

It wasn't easy. It took one year, lots of sweat, injecting food and sleepless nights for all three of them. It was the hardest time for all of them and they were the happiest when it was over.

But now, for Remus, it feels as if it's all coming back to him. Not necessarily because of other people, especially not because of James, Sirius, Lily and Peter. Tonks neither. But because of himself. Because he let himself be vulnerable around dangerous people and has gone too far too many times in such a short amount of time.

Now, in class, he realizes he's been neglecting school way too much. He doesn't understand anything at all in Maths. He used to be the best at it before, but he forgot everything. 

"You OK, bro?" One lesbian girl with huge round-shaped glasses on her nose and purple hair asks Remus, once the bell goes off and they're starting to pack their books and head outside.

"Sure, why wouldn't I be?" 

"You were pretty drunk at the Halloween party two weeks ago," she laughs at Remus and he cracks a fake smile, hoping she'd continue with something interesting so he won't have to pretend to be interested for a few full, exhausting minutes, "You looked lonely and sad these few weeks. We only have Maths together so I don't see you that often but I'm just making sure."

She's nice.

That doesn't happen too often with people nowadays.

"Thank you. I'm better than OK, for real. Thanks for asking, I totally appreciate it." He smiles at her, this time genuinely and unfiltered.

"No problem. See you around."

And then he heads to his locker, which he shares with this dude he's never seen before, but has heard things about. His name starts with S or something like that, and people have warned Remus so many times before, about him.

But like he said before, people could be just exaggerating about this dude without knowing who he really is, and Remus isn't just going to be paranoid about meeting him randomly one day. It's bound to happen, anyways.

He just didn't know it would have to be today, and he's not ready.

The guy is walking towards Remus with the hugest, determined steps that somehow induce confusion and intimidation into the freckled boys body. This tall dude's jet black hair is swinging in the wind like a lonely swing in an abandoned amusement park, leaving behind a storm of whispers and pairs of terrified eyes.

It is only the tip of his nose and random spots on his face that aren't pale white, but red-ish. He stops right in front of Remus, with the other two guys in his right and left, all three of them holding their arms crossed to their chests like in those movies. 

So they stare at Remus for three seconds. Then five, then seven.

Remus hesitates, but tries to act confident and superior. He wasn't much shorter than the guy. "May I help you?" He has a kind tune, not at all sarcastic, nor trying to act ironic.

"Yes, you may help me. By fucking moving." He somehow has a accent. Yes, he sounds like a pure English tea drinker, yet it feels like he's the kind of guy who would sell dope down the street with those dark eyes and gangster-like way of pronouncing words.

"Oh. 'Scuse me, I didn't fucking move, 'cause it's also my locker and you didn't say a word. Y'all just sort of started at me for about seven hours."

"Oh!" And the boy looks around at his friends, bursting into the most fake laughter which was the sign the other two ones could start laughing, obviously stopping right when the boss does. "He thinks this is his locker."

"Nah, I don't think it's mine. I know it is."

The vein on the boy's neck in front of Remus is pumping blood like a bitch, and Remus is so careless that he almost bursts into laughter. What's the worst that could happen? Get beaten up? As if Remus didn't go through that thousands and thousands of countless times.

"Guess you're new here, huh? 'Cause you lil' punk obviously don't know I'on share lockers."

"So... You, like, own it or something?" Remus' eyebrow raises involuntary and Snape notices, and he shudders just a little, taken back by the blonde boy's attitude.

"Yes. This is my locker. Need to make it any more clearer than that?"

"Yes, because I obviously do not understand your fucking point."

And next thing Remus knows, Snape's fist is in his face twice, and then he stands up and almost hits him back, forcefully, only he's hold back by two pairs of strong, worked out arms, that once they're outside they turn out to be Sirius' and James'.

"Let me go back!-" Remus yells at them and tries to enter the school building once again, but them two versus him are way too impossible to win over.

"Remus! What in the bloody hell happened to you? Do you even know who that motherfucker is?" Sirius cups Remus' cheeks in his cold, huge palms and looks him in the eye, probably not knowing Remus would melt instantly and listen to whatever Sirius is about to say.

"Nope, I don't."

"That's Severus Snape, dude- We- We warned you so many times to stay away from that psycho because if you don't do anything to him, he'll let you go and now-" James just shakes his head, disapprovingly and disappointed. "Gosh, this is so messed up... This is so messed up..."

Lily, out of nowhere, with her dirty painting robe on and her messy ginger hair tied up in the messiest bun, comes out of the building not knowing what happened, with an excited smile which fades away once he sees Remus' red lip, sparkling away blood which drips down his chin like crazy.

Instead of taking him to the nurse, they take James' van and drive to the closest pharmacy, from where they buy anything they need for taking care of the wound. Sirius stays with Remus in the car so he won't run away, and for not letting anything worse happen.

So when it's just the two of them, there's silence. It's like... They own the silence, though. It's not awkward at all, it's just beautiful.

"What's gotten into you, Wolfboy..." Sirius' voice is rather slowed down and peaceful, letting Remus know he's not at all mad about what happened, just worried, maybe. Maybe.

"He pissed me off. I hate being pissed off. That pisses me off!" 

Sirius holds Remus' hand and tried to comfort him in any way possible, occasionally reaching out to wipe the blood from his lip away and then pretend not to be looking at his lips.

Remus notices how much of a dreamer Sirius is. He can see in his shiny, sparkling eyes that ahead of him lies such a beautiful and adventurous future. He doesn't know why he sees that now, or why the view is suddenly blurred, or why everything is turning white.


	20. Crucify

They're going up and down on the small couch situated in the back of the empty van, only the sound of their mouths molding together and their wet tongues searching each other filling the empty space. Their hips don't know what to do anymore- Push forward or lean back? It's confusing, for as long as they've been here they've been talking about everything although they haven't said a word.

And their cheeks are flushed, completely red as their hands are in each other's hair, pulling and pushing and trying to get as much closure as possible, mouths open wind for just a little more tongue and bodies finding new corners to explore.

They're sweating out love and screaming out names, as if both of their days are counted and they're making it worth it. Sirius' hand moves up to Remus' face once he's done pulling at his hair, and his thumb makes its' way into the freckled boy's mouth, and as soon as his tongue hits the other one's fingertip, he deepens it inside his mouth and-

And Remus wakes up.

He grunts heavily and doesn't remember a thing from the day before, just because of how good he slept and much he did. 

It was just a dream.

With his best friend, Sirius.

Alright, it's OK, people have weird dreams all the time. With their attractive, hot, best friends...

"Remus, can you please help me bring up the groceries?" Lyall's voice comes from the kitchen and Remus isn't even awake. It's a Saturday evening and he slept more than he should have, although his parents are happy for him, they hate it when he sleeps so much during the day and does nothing productive with his life.

"I'm coming," Remus moans and gets out of bed rather quickly, slips into an over-sized Gas Monkey hoodie of his father's and leaves his bedroom, just to be greeted by James and Sirius carrying two bags of groceries each. 

Fuck- Remus is looking miserable, why didn't any of them announce they were coming?

"Hi, mate. We were driving around and saw your dad carrying these bags alone. You're a bad son," James voices firstly and Sirius accompanies with a short chuckle. 

As soon as Remus hears him, his eyes move o his lips. Those lips were stuck to his just a few minutes ago. Remus just can't take his eyes off this boy's features, his fingers and how accentuated his veins are from carrying those heavy groceries, his red nose and cheeks from so much effort on such a cold day of November. 

Hope comes into the kitchen with two cups of coffee and furrows her small eyebrows once she sees her son awake. "Hi, honey. I didn't know you were up, you want a coffee?"

"I'll make myself one once we're done helping dad, mom." Remus leans in to kiss his mother's forehead and then goes downstairs with the boys, instantly welcomed by huge thousands of snowflakes covering the ground and hugging every single car in the area.

"You look like total shit," Sirius states genuinely once they're at the car and Lyall is walking up to the apartment, with James grabbing the one last bag and shutting all the doors to the car. 

"I know, I slept like all day." Remus has the keys so he locks the car with other two bags in his hands and they follow James up to the apartment. 

"It's good that you slept though, good for you. It's 3 pm though, didn't you have work today?" Sirius asks with heavy breaths that remind Remus of his dream. Good thing he has this huge hoodie on that hides his sweatpants in the front.

"No, I don' work on weekends." I told you before, you just weren't paying attention.

"Oh, I see. Cute. Then you're free? We were going to this party tonight, if you care to accompany us, we'd be more than happy."

Parties, parties, parties. Are those the only thing they know? Don't they know how to read? Why don't they read books? Or cut magazines and create collages? Why don't they write bullet journals? Parties are so destructive and dangerous.

"Sure," Remus can't help but let this word out.

They enter their apartment and all of their nostrils are hugged by the strong smell of chocolate pie and coffee even in the hallway, and as Remus takes his shoes off, the boys are preparing to leave the apartment but are interrupted by Hope.

"Boys, please, I made coffee, why don't you stay with Remus for a short one? Thanks so much for helping my... Tiny husband bring these up." She laughs motherly and the boys can't refuse. For whatever reason it smells almost surreal, magical. It's a beautiful smell.

The complexity of this minimalist-like apartment surprises the boys. It's not light and not dark, not filled with bullshit and extremely empty yet so much more beautiful than other small, cheap apartments. It's filled with things that mean a lot to the two people and their son, and it warms up the atmosphere, making it look, smell and feel so homey.

"Thank you so much, Miss Lupin. No problem with the bags." James is the first to sit down on Remus' seat, obviously Remus not minding at all. He loves James with all his heart. 

Lyall and Hope go to the living room all by themselves so the man could get changed and the boys are all in the kitchen, drinking their coffees with the TV open, which announces the cancelling of classes on Monday.

"What? Why?" asks Sirius with a mouthful of coffee.

And he's answered by the woman speaking. Apparently there's this flu epidemic all around UK and not only that's been killing people and teachers are scared to bring students in schools for a few days until the epidemic is at least half gone.

"Sweet. Party today and tomorrow." Sirius claps his hands and it seems as if the coffee's it a fragile nerve of his. Both James and Remus chuckle and Sirius is shrugging at their amusement before placing his empty cup (let me tell you, the other two's cups are still FULL) in he sink and washes it although Remus insists of him not to.

"You're coming." James completes Sirius and both of them nod towards the freckled boy who's sipping his coffee comfortably, looking like a dead, depressed plant.

So one hour later after Remus's showered and put some decent clothes on (his basic black jeans and a hoodie with a jacket on top) they end up at this classic Americana cherry-pie and Coca-Cola 24/7 diner where they're supposed to meet with Lily and Peter. Of course, they sit down at a more secluded table and order the cheapest drink on the menu which is a combo with a short espresso and a Coke while Lana Del Rey is playing in the background. 

Remus' eyes shoot up when he hears a way too familiar voice from the counter, but instead of looking towards where the voice came from, he looks directly at the two boys in front of him and only then...

There he is.

With his golden, light locks that could fill this entire room with stars, his sparkling, clear, gray-like eyes that literally reflect today's winter sky...

There he is, out of place because he has nothing to do here yet so already known by everyone and praised by them. Determined and decided. 

Remus' first love. His first everything. His trigger point. Remus' past. 

Lucius Malfoy.


	21. An old friend

"Brother!" Lucius Malfoy comes closer to Remus, who was just earlier trying to neglect the other one's existence and potentially melt into the couch in front of James and next to Sirius. "It's been- How long, two years?"

Remus can't even bring himself to take his eyes off of Lupin and look at the other two confused boys.

He just stands up nodding, "Yes, two years."

Two years since life's been great and now you're here, again. 

Lucius can't look away. The once very blonde boy with light eyes and a strong smell of female perfume and chocolate cake now has grown into a whole man with this... Strong scent of not-so-sweet cologne and dark coffee. Lucius however hasn't been cutting his hair ever since he left town, and his almost white locks make him look like that guy from Queen who was just the prettiest.

"How have you been, Lupin?" They shake hands and hug tighter than any other hug, so Remus feels just the same scent he used to feel every now and then two years ago when getting high behind coffee shops and parking lots.

"Very good, mate, came down here to my mother and... Been doing good, how about you?" He accidentally forgets to tell him he's not a junkie-drug-dealer anymore. "What are you doing here?"

Lucius used to be in the school band two years ago when him and Remus shared the same school. Him and a few other students were playing different instruments at different events and would eventually gather good grades at certain classes because the teachers liked them so much. 

So two years ago, he ran away from home (like, he left and settled down literally a few blocks away from his previous home and everyone knew where he was-) and dropped out of school without his parents' permision, started a band which was surprisingly succesful, then started going around UK and USA with them, becoming this... Reckless bunch of hot boys with sweaty arms and greasy hair that played music only bald 38 years old supremacists would listen to.

So his answer is expected. "On tour, we're not having a concert for a few days and stopped here to play in pubs 'n' stuff." His accent is almost gone, there's much more grease in his hair as if he hasn't washed it in months, yet it's tied up in this perfect bun and his masculine features look slightly more accentuated.

"That's... Very cool." And then he looks away and sees the confusion on the other two's faces. "Oh, shi- Sirius, James, this is Lucius Malfoy, my ex-schoolmate, we know each other since birth." He taps on Lucius' back and presents him to the boys. "Lucius, these are my very good friends from here, Sirius Black and James Potter."

"Black, Potter. It's a pleasure to meet you. Not too good I hope, you're not replacing me already, are you, now?" He jokes but Remus can't tell and he blushes. He's always been feeling so... Submissive and inferior to Lucius as if he was his dog.

"It's been two years," Remus says lowly, "You can't expect me not to replace you with better ones." It's a referance there but he makes it sound like a joke so only him and Lucius will understand.

Lucius looks at Remus from head to toe. He's changed to much, he's slightly less insecure but still fidgets now and then while talking so gently, and his fingers have grown so long, his hair curly and lashes so big and black. He's a man now, and Lucius is nicely surprised about how he's changed. How... Healthy and confident he looks. But is he?

Lucius instead hasn't changed a bit. He still wears these black Nirvana t-shirts and ripped skinny jeans and probably tries to look a bit like Luke Hemmings or some other rockstar, he still has the confident, intimidating posture that makes everyone in the room shake- Well, except for the boys who aren't surprised about Lucius, but about the fact that him and Remus are or were ever friends. How could a small, tiny, and adorable person like Remus ever talk to such a scary dude?

Did I forget about the eyeliner?

"Well, I'll be around these days, maybe you can come to one of our shows. I'm sure you'll find me." He winks at Remus and waves at the boys, this whole moment being such a random and confusing and overwhelming one.

The other boys from Lucius' band follow him outside and Remus receives weirded looks from the boys.

"What even was that?" James blurts out when Remus sits down next to Sirius.

"An old friend," Wolf Boy shrugs and looks at them. "What?"

"He can't possibly be your old friend. He looks like... Pablo Escobar. He looks like a guy who's had the toughest life and still gets laid." 

"He's... Kind of like that." He doesn't get much deeper with the conversation because Lily enters the room with her ginger hair tied in these messy space buns and she's wearing second hand green and yellow clothes, looking as if she just woke up and her freckles covering her face, since she was too tired of covering them with foundation.

She sits down next to James and smiles wildly. "Hey, boys."

"Hi," Remus and Sirius say at the same time and their milkshakes arrive when Lily is ordering a coffee with a weird name. 

"What's this all about again?"

"We're going to a party," James responds. "Like, right after we finish these. It's already 6 pm, the party starts at 8, but we're staying here for about an hour then we're going to go get drunk before the party, and then we're going to the party and it'll be like, what, 9."

"Where?" Lily pulls out her phone from her pajama-looking outfit and starts typing on it.

"Molly's boyfriend. Arhtur. He has this huge cabin in the woods we watch movies in, just furhter into it and everyone's going to be there."

"I see. Well, the road there is going to take some time, let's hurry up with the drinks so we'll have time to get there on time."

"Chill out, Evans, the party won't stop 'til Monday."

And he's right. The party doesn't seem to stop, not even at 2 am when everyone's still sweating their emotions off and screaming to DNB or indie rock or hip hop. The "squad" is entirely on the dance floor. Pete couldn't come because he has the flu, but Lily's now twerking to Demi Lovato on James' lap, and Sirius and Remus can't hold their laughter in anymore and are just crying about it. 

The music stops suddenly and another song comes on, but this time it seems as if someone is grabbing the microphone and trying it. Remus is too busy to look at the two love birds to turn around and look what's happening on this guy's mini-stage, but when he sees Sirius' face and hears that familiar voice singing so highly, he knows exactly who he is.


	22. Unrequited love

At the end of Lucius' band's song, everyone, although they are either drunk or high, sad or the happiest on Earth, are too, entirely impressed. The sound of Remus' old friend's music is just so jazzy and lovely, yet exciting, it made everyone jump and feel lightheaded, as if it was black magic or something along those lines.

"What do you think, brother? Has your old bud improved his skills?" Lucius comes off stage completely covered in thin layers of sweat all over his exposed arms and his face, placing his left arm behind Remus' head.

The freckled one gives out a little happy smile and nods his head. "A lot. You're so fricking good, dude!" Then they shake hands and Lucius introduces himself properly to James, Lily and Sirius. 

"Sorry I couldn't stay longer at the diner, I had a lot of work to do with my band mates, there was just no time. So glad to meet you guys!" His smile is as fake as the fakest fake thing in the world. 

Lucius has always been like this for as long as Remus has known him. He wants to seem nice with everybody but just can't. He has this... Bad habit of being involuntarily mean to everyone and destroying their lives.

"Glad to meet you too," says Sirius silently, almost unheard by anyone as the music is also playing in the background and covers his voice. Then he sips from his beer and leaves unannounced to go sit down on the couch in the middle of the huge living room.

That's sort of how this entire party goes, except for the moments Lucius leaves Remus alone and he can actually enjoy spending time with Sirius and the others. 

"Yep, I've made up my mind. I don't like that Lucy boy," Sirius tells Lily once they sit down together on the couch and Remus isn't anywhere near them. He takes a sip from his beer and rolls his eyes constantly at the sight of Remus and Lucius talking next to the table with drinks. 

"Why not?" Lily giggles, "He's sort of cute-"

And Sirius shots her the meanest look.

"I mean, he's a good looking guy, why would you not like him?" She immediately tries to somehow change the subject and hides behind her cup of vodka.

Their tongues are already battling each to find their way of pronouncing correct words, and as they finish one slightly coherent sentence, they are the proudest of themselves.

They have no business with the other ones. They've always been the kind of teenagers who just wouldn't catch your eye if they were in a larger group of people, all of them are. They don't have designer clothes or a style they're going for, they don't have over thousands of followers on Instagram or that much to say about that girl's new shoes, they're just living their life as if they're not watched by anyone. That doesn't matter to them.

For instance, Sirius is dressed as basic as it can get, with a pair of white jeans and a beige sweater with a leather jacket on top, and Lily is wearing her all time pair of paint-splattered black jeans and an orange turtleneck under her denim jacket.

They're so basic yet so different.

"I don't know, I just-" Sirius never finishes his sentence because James drops down on the couch right in between the two of them.

"I officially hate Lucius Malfoy." And with that sentence coming out of James' lips, Lily throws her hands in the air. "What?" does James. 

"What does everyone have with the poor man? He's nice!" 

"You just say that 'cause he's handsome..." James almost speaks correctly and Lily rolls her eyes. She knows he's jealous of Lucius, but little does he know Lily can't and wouldn't have eyes for anynone else.

And also James says that because he wishes Lily wouldn't have eyes for anyone else but him. He just doesn't think that's possible, I mean, look at him- A basic, not so good looking guy with round shaped glasses and dark skin and who doesn't work out and looks almost dead and actually reads books. Why would a gorgeous, smart girl like Lily even look his way?

Answer: Because Lily thinks the other way around. Such a handsome, pretty and open-minded boy like James would never look at a girl like Lily. Who drinks too much, puts too much effort into her handmade clothes and always braids her hair different ways and has paint all over her hands when they take her by surprise and go to her house in the middle of a Wednesday afternoon. James would never look at a girl like Lily.

And then, Sirius eyes are stuck on Remus tucking a curly golden lock between his ear and looking down at his cup of soda when Lucius says something funny.

He's jealous.

He wants Remus to be here and talk about annoying things rather than speak to that white-head. He wants Remus here. He wants Remus.

A few minutes pass and a light-headed Sirius walks towards the table of drinks, avoiding to look up at Remus who was watching him grab another cup of whatever is inside. 

"Excuse me," Remus smiles at Lucius, sober as hell, and without hesitation placing his hand on Sirius' shoulder, asking him how much had he drunk.

"Not much," Sirius tries to let out correctly but doesn't succeed and it sounds like a "Ugh".

"OK, give me that," Remus approaches Sirius' cup but he doesn't let him take it.

"I'll... Leave him to you, we'll continue our conversation later, alright?" Lucius pats Remus on the back for a few seconds before the boy nods and is left alone with Sirius.

"How about we go upstairs, yeah? Let's go to the bathroom."

In about 10 minutes they make it to the bathroom. Remus shuts the door and locks it (since there are two more bahtrooms that he knows of) before telling Sirius to sit down on the toilet's seat. Instead, somehow, Sirius sits on the side of the empty bathtub and falls right into it, dragging Remus down with him. All this time Remus is concerned Sirius will throw up on him, but for whatever reason doesn't move and turns the water on so he can wash the beer from Sirius' sweater. 

"Stop, you're getting our clothes wet..." Sirius mumbles with a drunk accent with his eyes closed and grabs the shower tube from Remus' hands, getting his clothes wet as well.

"Sirius, stop playing! I'm trying to get you washed up," Remus chuckles at his friends' playful behavior before fighting to grab that thing from him, ending up with a full bathfub, wet clothes and hair and the curtains closed.

They sit face to face in silence and cold water, Remus trying to sober up Sirius and slapping him occasionally just to see his reaction.

"Why are you doing this to me..." Are the first words leaving Sirius' mouth after almost 15 minutes of painful silence.

"What am I doing to you? I'm trying to get you sober-"

"Stop being so oblivious. You know what."

Remus furrows his eyebrows together, laughing at Sirius words.

"I don't."

"Well-" Sirius hesitates, he doesn't think clearly and he doesn't know if he'll regret talking about this in the morning. Does it matter? It's the truth, he has to say it, otherwise he never will. "You know. You talk to me and then to other people. You're with me and then you're not. You're happy then you're sad. You hug others, you laugh with them. You laugh then you cry. You're high and then you're low, you don't know what you want yet I do. I wanna be with you. I wanna kiss you and hold hands with you and taste every type of coffee you can do and have conversations with your mom about your necklace and about the scars on your hands- Why do you have to make it so complicated? Why do you have to be so good yet cause me so many problems?"

He just... Throws all these words in Remus' face, not thinking at all about the complexity of the consequences following each word. 

And Remus doesn't have an answer. 

He only has tears, happy or sad, he doesn't know, but still, he gives them all to Sirius. All of them, before being the first one now to wrap his arms around the other boy and give him the longest and most honest kiss of all times.


	23. How did we end up here?

Remus and Sirius end up asking Arthur for dry clothes and they promise to give them back on the first day of school, which is Tuesday. 

Arthur doesn't even bother asking them what happened. He has a pool in the backyard so he guesses jumping in with clothes on is what they did, but making out in a bathtub just didn't cross his mind.

Arthur guides the boys to the guest room, which is situated at the end of this long, horror-like hallway inside Arhtur's cabin. They feel as if they're stars in a horror movie, except they just made an erotica back in the bathroom.

They lock the door from inside and involuntarily go in two separate corners of the dark room, filled with red lights on the ceiling and books and posters on the walls. It's way too dark to see each other, but each of them can hear one another's breaths as they take of their wet clothes and change them with new ones. 

Remus is now wearing this tight pair of sweatpants and a hoodie, both of them belong to Arhtur's dad as the boy had told him, and they're big enough to fit this giant's extremely huge body. 

Sirius, however, looks like a fresh-dicked little girl. The clothes are way too big for him and his muscles are invisible through the white fabric of the long-sleeved blouse Arhtur gave him. And this dark hue of pink is also plastered on his cheeks, rushing down to his neck and shoulders and everywhere. He feels as if he's done such a big mistake, such a huge one, but still something he'll be later proud of? That if he doesn't drown in regret. 

Remus almost starts a sentence and Sirius notices how his breath routine changes, he knows he was about to say something just a few seconds ago. Neither of them have any idea of what it was though. Sorry? But Remus isn't sorry, but rather grateful he can blame it on both's intoxication and deny their actions later on. Is this going to happen again? He does wish so. Oh, and how much he wishes so! He's kissed thousands and thousands of girls, has done everything with everyone, yet... No one sort of feels like Sirius. No one gives Remus the same... Chaotic, mad butterflies inside his stomach that transform in birds and elephants. It's a feeling he can't describe, a rather eerie sentiment that is going through his entire body whenever he's around Sirius. 

The other one, on the other side, isn't smart or sober enough to put into proper words (or thoughts) how he feels right now and how he will be feeling in the next few days. He doesn't or can't think about that. The only thing going through his mind is perhaps confusion of why he has this voice inside his head that in some way wants to push him to continue what they've started in the bathroom. 

Love, lust, you call it, but whatever it is, it takes places between these two and no one else. It's something new that they've just discovered, like a remedy for a sickness in a laboratory, or like this new species deep in the ocean. It's unknown to the rest of the world, it's amazing, it's beautiful. 

But... In a way, it's unknown to them too. I mean, they're just two boys, two friends, who've been going to cafes together, going on random roadtrips this entire time, been to each other's house- 

OK, putting it like that, yes, it sounds like they're married, but that's not at all what it is. They're so... Naturally bonded. They're so simple that's it'd be a sin to take them as two complex friends. They're just them. They always know what each other wants, they already know Sirius HAS to sit with Remus when he's at work so he won't get bored of it, they already knows what breaks Sirius will come into Remus' class and vice versa. They have their things. 

But now, could it be something more? 

Oh, no. Remus' mind is wandering off again, thinking too much about this and that that he ended up thinking about having something more with Sirius. But it's not like that. There can't be something more and there won't. Why? Because he can't imagine being with him as a lover, or kissing him often, or doing other stuff with him. Of course, he's had dream about it, but that happens to everyone. 

Right?

Everyone has... These realistic dreams about their hot buds kissing their neck and... Touching them how friends don't touch... Everyone gets drunk and has mixed feelings and kisses their friends... Right?

Well, now they're fucked. Now, that Remus' head has been doing God's work, he realizez this is not just a friendship. It would have been one sided if Sirius hadn't replied to Remus' strong kiss, but he's drunk so perhaps that's an excuse, he's probably mistaken Mr. Lupin here for a very masculine-looking woman. 

Even now, for whatever reason, Sirius can't feel anything but confusion. Not the kind that smacks questions in your face, nor the kind that messes with your brain at three am in the morning. Just the kind of confusion of why both of them have to make it so complicated and not speak to each other. They just kissed. Drunk people do that all the time.

"Say something so this won't get any weirder than it already is." With this sentence Remus is even more speechless than before because now he's forced to say something and waited to speak up. But what can he say?

"Didn't know I had to say something." That seems pretty chill. 

Sirius is impressed by his calmess. Little does he know how fake it is and how much thought Remus pus into those seven words, so much that his head aches and is spinning and causes him to want to sit down on the edge of the small bed. 

"I know it's shitty to say this..." Sirius sits next to Remus once he's there, both of them still a little bit wet and cold and shaking. "But I need you to promise you won't say a word to our friends, or anyone. I don't give a shit about my reputation but it'd be weird if anyone found out we made out drunk in a bathroom, I don't know if you understand or not." 

I do. I don't want to tell other people, I just wanna do it again. And perhaps everyday. And be with you for the rest of my life because you make me the happiest boy ever. Remus almost says.

But all he says is... "'Aight." 

He's too sleepy and sort of upset Sirius just blurted that out with a slur. Will he act the same once they wake up? Or will they still bring each other coffee to school, share their chocolate from the cafeteria everyday? 

"Drunk people always kiss, even best friends." Remus raises his shoulder stoically and looks down, playing with his cuticles.

"Exactly, we shouldn't make it awkward between us either."

For whatever reason Sirius' words are forced out of his mouth. He usually says these exact same 'sentimental' words to girls after he has sex with them but doesn't want to see them ever again, yet... He feels like he should hug Remus, or tell him it'll be fine, or be there for him. He just can't, he's acting like an asshole so he can 'prove' something to Remus. So he can prove that he's also careless and indifferent about the fact that they both felt good when kissing.

"We were drunk," Sirius lies.

"We were drunk," Remus lies back.


	24. Endless field of flowers

Remus wakes up around 4 am with tears in his eyes, his heart skipping beats and the sheets almost falling off the bed. He looks around, trying to figure out the surroundings, realizing it's just his overly organised bedroom, with snowflakes freezed onto the window and a lost bird hitting the glass with its' beak. 

The boy is way too sleepy AND sweaty to realize what's happening, the nightmare still haunting him and the replay of it causing him to curl up under the cold blanket and start crying, silently so no one would hear him being a baby. 

Ever since he was a little kid, his mother would... Sort of feel when he was having a nightmare. He knows this for sure because every night when he would wake up out of the blue, he'd see his mother already up and ready to hold him in her warm arms, which are now too old and sick. 

The thought gives Remus shivers, and he cries harder, until tears are dripping on his neck and he can't control his breathing, it's like the weight of everything around him keeps getting harder and harder, and he can't hold it anymore, but he can't just let it go. He's afraid to do that.

But he knows he won't be able to go to sleep if he stays in his dark, lonely and pale bedroom, so he decides to get up and go make himself a coffee, and watch the nothingness (and prettiness) of the four am world.

God, how much he loves this hour. 

How much he loves to be alone, and not to hear anyone speak, and not to have overwhelming thoughts. How much he loves to feel like he's alone in this world, the overcoming feeling of nostalgia running through his veins like it's his blood... It's a feeling so pure, yet so powerful.

Once he gets to the kitchen he can hear someone walking out of his parents' bedroom. It's Saturday morning, his father is going to work only at 7 am so he shouldn't be up right now. 

"Mom," he breathes lowly and thanks God, because it would've been awkward if it was his father and he'd be in tears.

"Baby, what happened to you? Why are you crying?" His mother is quick to walk over to him, place her cold hands on his shoulders, massage them for a few seconds and then hug him motherly. 

And the question she asked makes it hard for Remus not to burst into tears once more. 

Words aren't coming out of his mouth and he just lays against the counter of the kitchen and looks down at his socks, afraid, and full of questions even he's not able to answer. 

Hope isn't dumb. She has to know what's going on.

She knew when he first smoked weed - that because Lyall was the big stoner back in his teenager life. She knew when he was tripping on acid - her mother would sell it at Woodstock back in '69.

She always knew about everything, and she sure knows what's going on right now.

"Come, sit down," she says after the coffee is ready and, shakily, Remus' hand grabs it and places it on the table. They both sit down next to the window, Hope grabbing Lyall's hoodie from the back of the chair and handing it to Remus. 

In one second he puts it on, then grabs a napkin to wipe the tears away. He feels dumb for crying for no reason, but still, feels better now that his mother is here, and he can look at her and feel her skin on his. It's a dumb relief but it always works for him, knowing his mother is literally so close to him.

"Tell me, what was your dream about?"

Should he tell her, should he not? Would it be OK if she found out? 

Would it be OK for her not to see him the same anymore, and to have such a different perspective and opinion of him? Would he feel the same love? Would she be the same mom? Would she hate him? Would she want him gone? Would she regret? Would she not?

So many questions, and a head full of stupid regrets.

"About Sirius."

He looks down, his words are rough, and they leave his throat sore. 

When he pronounces his name, it feels as if Niagara falls is about to burst out of his eyes like a hurricane, his nose hurts and his throat is doing this weird thing. 

Remus looks up at his mother and doesn't see a change in her beautiful expression, in her slow smile and tired eyes. The only thing changing is the weight on his heart, which slowly disappears.

"And what happened in it?"

That's... The thing. So many things happened. 

"We were..." 

Hope is ready to hear something strange. Like, they were killing each other, or themselves, or, they were killing everybody else. She's ready to hear it was a nightmare like any other nightmare, with blood, screaming, spiders, darkness, ugliness, thieves, and so on, but...

"He was holding my hand and... We were running on this endless field of flowers. Not just some flowers, they felt like clouds on my feet and so felt I. We were running so fast, and we were running towards nowhere, just looking in front of us and nothing else mattered. No music in the background, just birds chirping, water falling. It was daytime but the stars were really shiny, and the moon and sun were right next to each other. And then dandelions started to, you know, do their thing with those white petals that fly and it felt so beautiful. We were happy and... I don't know, there was no pressure of time, people..." 

And that's where he stops talking, because too much is no good. And he looks at her and waits for something back.

"Well, Remus, you know, there are only two primary feelings in this world. Love, and fear. And the other ones are just secondary feelings to those two. Like... Anger, jealousy, hatred. These come from fear. And joy, happiness and so many others come from love. You just have to figure out which one you're heading towards. Are you afraid or are you in love?"


	25. Early Christmas present

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alexa (or literally anyone tryna get in the mood) play august by Chase Atlantic!

It's been one week since Remus hasn't seen Sirius.

More than that, actually. They have three weeks of vacation for the holidays and they're now in the second week, since Christmas is approaching, and Sirius hadn't been coming to school for the last three days of it. James and Peter said he's somewhere with his parents, but Remus seriously doubts that. Something in his guts keeps telling him it had to do with...

With what they did.

Remus is now laying on his bed, in a hoodie and some sweatpants, drinking his third hot chocolate on the first day of the second week of holiday vacation. Christmas is in three days, and he has literally no plans for it. He's 98% sure the marauders are going to be with their families doing whatever families do on Christmas, so he'll probably just stay at home, have a nice "fancy" dinner with mom and dad and then read a book and, eventually, go to sleep really late after hours of forcing his eyes to read in the dark.

Suddenly, the doorbell rings and Remus is the one to get to the door first, unlocking it and opening it, to reveal Sirius with still cold snowflakes in his curls and his breath stinking of nicotine and energy drinks. He doesn't even say hi and takes his jacket off, entering as if it's his own house. He doesn't look up at Remus and doesn't realise how the boy is literally staring at him with his eyes wide open.

Am I afraid or in love?

They walk inside Remus' bedroom, ignoring Hope who just asked her son who was at the door - she probably has already figured it out by now. 

Remus' mouth keeps opening but no words seem to come out. No words seem to be enough. What could he say anyways? "Hi"?, "Where have you been these almost two weeks?"?

Yeah, sure, sit down, he almost says when Sirius, without saying a word, sits down on Remus' bed and looks down at his phone to check the time. 

This is so confusing. It's... Probably their first awkward silence, but it's not even awkward. It's hard to explain. 

After a few seconds, Sirius locks his phone and looks up at the other boy's hoodie, which randomly happens to be the one that he took from Sirius' closet when only the two of them were at Sirius' place, watching the second The Purge movie. 

And Sirius almost smiles.

"Where have you been?" Remus asks in a whisper.

I was worried for you. I thought something wrong happened. I was worried for us...

"Gone with my parents," Sirius lies.

"OK, coffee?" 

"Yeah. You got any plans today?"

Remus thinks for a bit. No, he doesn't have any plans for today but he doesn't want to give Sirius the satisfaction of doing what he wants. After all, he kissed him, asked him to keep it a secret, then ghosted him for a week (or more) and now he's here as if nothing fucking happened. Remus wants to lie, and tell him he has SO MANY plans, with SO MANY people, in SO MANY different places...

"No, I'm free. Why?" 

Ah, shit.

"I wanna show you something. Tonight. You up to that?"

"Yeah, OK. What is it?"

"I can't tell you... It's, uhm, sort of a Christmas present."

"But," Remus chuckles. "Christmas is in three days, Black."

"So what? Who knows if we'll be able to meet then? Maybe you'll be away with your parents, or I'll be-" 

"Whatever," Remus interrupts him and starts playing with his fingers. "Why'd you come all this way for though?"

There is silence and then there's Sirius' cheeks getting all red.

"To see you."

And with his own hands, he reaches for Remus' and almost grabs him, but as if it's on purpose, Hope knocks on the open door two times and enters the bedroom with two coffees in her hands. As if she knew.

"Thank you, Mrs. Lupin." 

"Thanks, mom." 

Hope just smiles and lets them do their thing. Sirius tells Remus he can start getting ready, since it's already 5 pm and they have a lot of work to do for Remus' present.

So they do, and then they walk out of Remus' apartment and their first stop is at the local store, where Sirius says they have to do some shopping. For what, little does Remus know.

"Come on, Sirius, what are we shopping for?" Remus sounds like a bored kid whose mom doesn't want to buy him his favorite candy bar. "I don't like shopping."

"I love shopping. You will too. M&M's?" Sirius doesn't wait for Remus' response and throws the M&M's inside their cart, continuing with throwing in random snacks, energy drinks and soda. Remus' a bit confused about all of this, but doesn't say a thing. 

It's only when they're paying for all this food and drinks when Remus notices Sirius' backpack that he's never had on before, and shrugs it off. This looks like a trip, but if it were, then Sirius would've told him. 

Then what is it? What's Remus' Christmas present? He becomes more curious and more curious each time a minute passes, and he can't seem to figure out why Sirius' bought so many biscuits and other snacks. Also, he has that huge backpack on his shoulders, which used to be on the corner of the Marauder's Van every weekend they spent in the woods.

"Please, tell me where we're going..." Wolfboy begs once they reach a side of the city he's never been to before, one that's beyond the bookstore and the highschool.

Sirius ignores him and they pass a few dark alleys, filled with snow and mud and weird looking people that just look like they have knives in their back pockets.

"I'm scared..." Remus whispers at Sirius.

"Already?" Sirius chuckles and grabs something from his pocket. "Well... You'll be more scared of this but I ask you to trust me. Can you do that for me?"

That's when Remus' heart skips a bit. Of course he trusts Sirius but... 

"Nope. Nah. No! Nah-Uh. I'm not letting you blindfold me, Black. This is some fucked up shit, I swear to Jesus-"

"Stop being a pussy, just put this on and let me lead you, OK? Why the hell would you even be scared of being blindfolded for a few minutes?" 

Minutes. Alright. He's right, he has literally no reasons to be afraid so he might as well let it be and let it go. He gives Sirius the permission to blindfold him and he does so, helping then Remus go up some stairs and then asking him to stand still for a few seconds.

"Uh... OK, take it off," says Sirius and Remus removes the blindfold from his eyes.

And... His breath is taken away by the thousands of little lights hung on the five fake trees brought up on this rooftop by the one and only Sirius Black. There are really cozy-looking blankets on the cemented ground, and then fake candles all over. He's wondering if Sirius did this all by himself, but is too afraid to ask him. His words are just non-existent by now, this is way too beautiful and magical.

He walks around for just a few minutes, taking in the beautiful image of the simplest things ever. Just a few lights, blankets and a bluetooth speaker on the corner of one of the gray blankets that have white polka dots on them. Nothing's playing right now, but Remus sure as hell hears angels playing their harps. 

"Sirius, w-what is all this..." 

Sirius doesn't think for a second, takes a step closer to his friend and kisses him on the mouth. And a heavenly butterfly leaves Remus' body, taking him to a paradise unseen by human eye. In the darkness of the cold December night, Remus and Sirius are shining bright like rivers in the summer. Their bodies are one in a breathtakingly long kiss, and their eyes are flickering at each other once they end the kiss. 

Perhaps no words seem to be needed, but sometimes these romantic rules don't apply. At least, not now. Remus needs words, needs some explaining.

"I'm sorry I've been gone. I've been thinking a lot about... How this, us, could affect you or me. I've never been through something like this before. I've never been in love with a boy, you're the first one I'm ever feeling this way towards. All this time I've been scared that... I don't know, you think I don't take you seriously or something." 

Remus laughs at "Seriously". 

Sirius laughs too. 

And then they grab each other by the hand and words become whispers. 

"But you're not dumb," continues Sirius, "You're not dumb to think that this is going to be easy. Unfortunately, we're two boys, in love with each other." He's quick to assume because he's one hundred percent sure Remus is in love with him back. That's just way too obvious. "And unfortunately, the world's too stupid to accept that, which is why I've been scared and hesitant. I know, I sound and look like a coward but I don't want you or us to get hurt. Especially because of such a pathetic reason which shouldn't even be a reason to get hurt for."

He sounds so regretful, so honest and so sorry. What could Remus do? Not forgive him? 

Hell nah. 

The only thing he can think about is another kiss, but that's so far away from what he should be doing right now.

"So..." Remus stars, "What's all this?"

"Well, this is the most unpolluted area in the city, and I chose today specifically because it has the most clear sky from all month, which makes it possible to see the stars easily."

They sit down on the blankets and Sirius opens a Spotify playlist titled "august". 

"Why August?"

"It's my favorite month." 

"How come?" 

He looks up at the sky dreamily and a smile appears on his chapped lips. "First of all, it's the warmest month of the year. Second of all, there are meteor showers and so many constellations in the sky that you can see so clearly, it's magic. And, I don't know, August just seems like... The free-est month. No school, summer rains, good music, no stress. August is really just four weeks of great paradise. It's heavenly."

He speaks with such passion that it makes both of them simply excited for summer to come, and to come back here and watch the sky together. 

More minutes pass and Remus is cuddled at Sirius' chest, watching the sky as he's being taught a few constellations of the sky. Sirius seems to be very interested and educated on astronomy, for his words are effortlessly put into phrases that don't contain any uh's or and's. Just entire, well-spoken sentences that blow Remus' mind. 

It's a pleasure for him to listen while Sirius is explaining something he loves. 

Only if Black knew that he meant to Remus just as much the stars meant to him.


	26. A Love Letter To You.

Sirius,

One star equals you. Two stars equal us. One constellation equals our love.  
You might be wondering why, so let me tell you.  
Because our love is endless and unpredictable.   
Our love is full of unexpected explosions followed by make-up's. Our love is like walking a bed of golden rose petals, both trying not to step on their thorns.  
Our love is chaotic.  
Our love is the universe because it has no end. Even if the two of us will eventually part ways or even die, our love never really will. Our chemistry and physics will exist for ever and ever, reproducing other brutal explosions.  
Because things like these tend to last forever. Things like these last even when they end.  
There's no such thing as an explanation for it- There's no explanation for this kind of love. It just... Is.  
Love is something that doesn't need reasons. 

But, nor does it need words.   
And here I am, still feeling the need to write you novels.

Either on paper with a pen,  
Or with my lips on yours.

Is this OK? 

Remus folds the paper a hundred times, unfolds it, reads it once again and then folds it back. Are words like these OK? It's only been almost a month since the year started, almost a month since Sirius took Remus to that beautiful place and confessed his love for him. 

I mean, it was a confession, right? It sure sounded like one. It sounded genuine. Remus truly hopes it wasn't bullshit. Remus hopes all Sirius said was true and coming from the heart, because he's the only one who'd ever feel like that towards the freckled one. 

The freckled one becomes anxious for this. For tomorrow, which is the 24th of January, also the day that marks one month since that night at the rooftop. Perhaps for Sirius it doesn't mean as much as it does for Remus, but... Remus sees this as something much more delicate.

It's been a whole month of kissing behind the curtains, secret rendez-vous' and adorable after-school meetings where both of them would literally go to Remus' library and spend the day either talking, secretly holding hands under the desk or putting books in their place together. 

But everything together. Everything, even falling asleep together (as in, texting non-stop until one of them doesn't reply anymore). It's pretty cute, but they still have small talks about how they'll eventually have to tell their friends about it. They know it's going to be hard, James, Lily and Peter would be shocked, they obviously will, it's not easy to find out two of your closest friends have been kissing behind your back, and didn't fucking tell you about it. 

That's what stresses both Remus and Sirius the most. The fact that this little fairytale of theirs won't last as much as they wish it would. And that means, forever.

"What's making you sad, honey?" Hope makes her way into her son's bedroom once, through the almost closed door, she sees him laying in bed completely expressionless and without his phone, nor a book in his hands. 

Remus can't say it. He can't even tell his mother the truth, he can't find his words, fearing how she would react, or how Lyall would. He's so afraid of everything these days, that he feels like the sky is going to fall onto his head and kill him. 

"Tell me, sweetie." 

Her glassy eyes meet Remus' when he raises his head and he just can't resist or keep it in anymore. He bursts into tears once Hope's fingers meet his skin, and she's taken by surprise, rushing to curl her fragile arms around his body and hold him close. "Baby, what's happened?" She sounds broken, as if she just destroyed the most precious piece of art and doesn't know what to do about it. 

And then he lets it all out. He tells his mother about Sirius, about what's been happening, leaving out the parts where they'd make out for two hours in the back of the library when Mrs. Shirley would ask Remus to close in her place. 

"And why are you holding it back? Why don't you tell your friends about this? If they're really your friends, they will first of all understand, and second of all would have figured it out by now." There's a chuckle at the end. "On a more serious note," there's a pause, "Pun intended, you shouldn't be afraid to tell your friends about your relationship with-"

"He's not my boyfriend." 

"OK, your... More-than-friendship-friendship with Sirius. Why not? Because they're smart kids. Because they care about you and Sirius a lot, I can see it, and I can feel it. There's nothing wrong with loving someone the way you two do. There's nothing wrong with love, baby. You have to understand it, and the rest of humanity has. What's between you and Sirius is something beyond highschool-sweetheart-ing and wanting to get laid because you're already too old. What you two have is heavenly and beautiful, you shouldn't waste it on stressfull days like this one, in which you stay in bed all day and procrastinate whether it's OK or not to love someone. I get it, he's a boy and you're a boy, what difference does that make? Love is love, love is nothing but endless freedom."

There are still tears in Wolfboy's eyes and his mother can see how much they've lightened up since she started talking. Her words for Remus are like hot chocolate to kids' mouths, and he's so grateful to have such a woman as his mother, to be able to tell her such things other mother would precieve as sins, and ugly behavior. 

"Thank you." But it isn't enough. It's never enough.

Words towards Hope aren't enough, neither are flowers.

Neither are the pills she swallows, nor the doctor appoiments.


	27. The night when these woods sigh/PART 1

Remus' POV.

This February day felt odd to me all day until now. It started with the prettiest sunrise of all times, ever since I've moved here, but as soon as I got to school, the sky started covering up with really dark, almost black clouds, which wouldn't give away rain at all, they'd just move really fast but not disappear, and scare the shit out of everyone. 

The teachers warned us all to be safe on our way home, I don't know why though. It's not like rain isn't such a big deal here, and also, it's only February, I would've been concerned if it were summer.

Peter didn't come to school, and I don't know why. Sirius is late and I'm sitting in the cafeteria with James and Lily, talking about nothing, and them holding hands tightly under the table. How I wish Sirius was here, or how I wish we could do that, freely. 

Things feel different today, and I don't know why. The weather's weird, my phone died when I got to school but I remember that I charged it over night, people are weirdly quiet, and James and Lily have these weird faces that scare the shit out of me.

"Are you working today, Remus?" Lily asks me eventually and I look up from my apple that I don't even care to eat.

I nod. "Yeah, why?"

"Don't know, I might as well stay there with you for a while, I'm too lazy to go home with this weather going on, and the library is way closer than my house is. I didn't bring an umbrella today." 

"Sure, that'd be nice. You can come too, James."

"I have some things to take care of after school, otherwise I would've came, or Lily, you could've come to my place but, yeah..." 

They sound a bit off as well, and I can see Lily's hand withdrawing itself from James'. I frown, but don't make it obvious. Something's up with them. 

"Well, we can buy some coffee and you could help me with the books, or read. I don't think I'll have much to do today." 

She shrugs it off and I nod once again, looking out the window. The rain hasn't started yet, and I wonder why, for the clouds are full and outrageous, looking like they could explode anytime.

That's when Sirius plops himself down on the chair next to me, carelessly throwing his head on the table and sighing. 

"What's up with you, mate?" James asks the one next to me, and my heart flutters once or twice when I take a rushed look at him.

"Tired. Didn't hear the alarm." 

That happens a lot lately.

"Can't wait for his day to end and it didn't even start."

We all chuckle, finally, something that can lighten our moods. Since Peter's not here, Sirius is the second clown that can make anyone laugh with his dark humor. And I absolutely love it. 

It's indescribable. I mean, I sort of described it in my letter, but I'd never let him know about that. It's too cheesy, and it's almost the 24th of February and he's never mentioned our 'anniversary'. Not that it exists, or celebrates something real, but I just thought...

No, I can't make my day worse. I'm already in a concerningly bad mood, and I am in no way, shape or form in the mood to have a worse one.

"Remus, are you working today?" Sirius repeats Lily's question from a few minutes ago.

"Yeah."

"I'll be there." Then Sirius' head falls on the table again and in not even three minutes, he starts snoring so James wakes him up and they both walk up and go to the vending machine so James can buy Sirius a black coffee.

"Do you... By any chance, know what's been up with Sirius lately?" I ask Lily, knowing she's been friends with him for longer than I have - obviously - and, perhaps, I'm just missing something.

"Oh, no. It's the weather. He always gets sleepier when it's either too ugly or too nice outside. It's... His thing. Don't worry about it, just get him a coffee, a blanket and a few movies and he'll feel better." Lily winks at me and I nod, wondering if she's suspicious of me and her friend.

I look down, feeling bad that I have to keep this secret from her. She's been my friend for so much time now, and I feel like an ass for keeping so many things not just from her, but all of them.

"There's something going on between you guys, isn't it?" 

Her words make me lose myself in the clouds. 

How could she tell?

I look up at her and can see her expression unchanged, and with a little smile in the corner of her lips. When I take a better look, she now has a few colors in her hair and there's still paint under her nails and stains of colored water on her white shirt. 

"It's normal that you guys wanted to keep it a secret, but... It would've been nicer to at least let me know. I'm... Kinda the one that made you kiss, it should've been a hint that I know you liked each other."

I nod, but I have no words. They're stuck in my neck. Although I knew she knew, it's still weird to me to be 100% sure she's aware of Sirius and I.

"There's nothing going on between us," I say the truth and that is it. All we've been doing is hold hands, kiss and ocassionally make out in the back of the book store. But... It's never been something more.

"I just wanna let you know Sirius isn't a player when it comes to human beings. If he likes you, he's serious with you. He's passionate and he's deep. He-"

But then they get here, and Lily has to shut her mouth, but still glances at me with a look of we'll-talk-later.

Sirius sits down next to me, and James next to Lily. All four of us go to classes then, and times passes by quickly. We're on our way to leave the building when, all of a sudden and out of the blue, a storm starts. 

The doors of the building are shut closed by the strong wind and a few drops of rain come in along with a freezing cold breeze. Some gasp, some scream and other laugh it off. I, on the other hand, am terrified for just a second before breathing normally again and almost, almost grabbing onto Sirius' arm. Then I remember both of us have dicks and we're in a highschool full of other teenagers.

I look around and wish there weren't others around.

"Holy shit." This phrase leaves not only James' mouth but many others', as all of us stare outside the windows in deep confusion and fear. 

The sky is as dark as if it's 9 pm on a summer night, and there's water literally splashed on the window, like someone threw it with a bucket. Girls are curled in their boyfriends' arms, James hides behind Lily who looks like Super-Woman right now, and Sirius and I are standing still, eyes glued to the doors of the building.

The rain is loud, and the streets are probably already flooded, so there's no way anyone could get out the building. I mean, people are still leaving but some of them either start running directly to their car or back inside.

Luckily, Sirius drove here and the van is right outside.

"Come on, guys. It's just water, your mascare won't be ruined," Lily jokes and we chuckle at her words, placing our backpacks over our heads and running outside, not even thinking two seconds about it. 

In a blink, we're in the van, with James driving, Lily on his left, and Sirius and I on the couch right behind the two front seats. 

"I'll just make a stop at my house and then you can drive, Black. Alright?"

"Yeah, mate, don't worry."

So James starts driving and I start getting a little anxious because of the weather and all the horns from the traffic, but it's cool, so I try to calm myself down. I don't have my phone to play on it so I just look at Sirius fingertips which are insanely close to mine, but not touching them. 

James' phone rings. "Lily, can you take that for me please?" He's obviously caught up driving in this crazy storm, so it wouldn't be a great idea to also have a phone in his hand.

"Hello? Yes, this is Lily, James' friend, wh-" 

There's only the rain hitting the top of the car that fills the silence, and Sirius and I's heartbeats. I look at him and he looks down at his hands, biting onto his lower lip like he almost always does.

"Sorry?"

I look up at Lily in the rearview mirror and furrow my eyebrows together. She gulps and her eyes widen, and then...

"James. Turn around. R-Right now."


	28. The night when these woods sigh/PART 2

Remus doesn't know what's happened and none of them except James and Lily know where they're going. Both Sirius and Remus questioned her a couple of times, but words just wouldn't come out. Lily simply showed James his phone that had many texts from some random number, after which he did a U-turn and accelerated towards... God knows what.

Remus and Sirius are both panicking, since neither of them have no idea what's going on and their friends literally just started driving towards somewhere in the middle of the storm. 

And it feels weird.

"Lily?" Remus eventually voices, looking at her, and she looks... Panicked and anxious and as if she's trembling. 

But then the car stops, and both Sirius and Remus hurry to look out the windows, Remus noticing this huge, full-of-windows building that's double their high school, and surrounded by cars and ambulances- A hospital.

"What happened? Why are we here?" Sirius asks, worriedly, and then silence takes over the van, Lily and James making eye-contact and then turning around to face the boys.

"Remus. Take a deep breath."

Remus takes a deep breath and the rest is... Silence. He hears nothing. He doesn't hear what Lily is explaining to him, he doesn't hear Sirius, nor feel James' hand on his shoulder. He leaves the van by himself and runs through the angry rain and towards the entrance of the hospital, going straight to the reception. 

"Hello. I-I need to know where Hope Lupin is, please." He's out of breath, all wet and in tears. But they mean nothing.

"Are you a relative?"

"Her son. Remus Lupin." 

The nurse, or whatever, types something on her expensive-looking computer and tells Remus where Hope is. Second floor, room 54. So Remus runs there, and taking his heart in his teeth, looks through the window of room 54, and sees his beloved mother attached to transparent wires, and honestly, looking as if every drop of life has been taken out of her lifeless-looking body through those ugly wires. 

He starts shaking, and then someone appears out of nowhere and places their hands on Remus' shoulders, whispering "It'll be fine, she will be fine." It's Lily, and she's wrong, because Hope doesn't look like she'll be fine. She looks like she's going to die in three minutes.

So Remus bursts into tears, but stands still. His face has no expression and his forehead is touching the window glass. The rest of his body doesn't make a move, and he begins to feel a little cold, as if... He will never be cheerful again.

Seeing his mother like that makes him want to shove a knife in his throat and die instantly, but it makes him even madder the fact that he knew something was wrong and he didn't check- Not like he could've changed anything or something, but perhaps he would've went home earlier, cancelled the book store and hung out with his mother for a while.

"Remus," Lyall's voice wakes Remus up from the trance he was in a few seconds ago, and their eyes meet. Lyall looks as if he hasn't slept in three weeks from all the crying, and he has a coffee in his hand, and his work glasses hanging from his shirt. 

"Dad." That's all that comes out from Remus' mouth before shutting up for an entire hour, while Lyall explains to him what happened exactly.

Lyall tells Remus he tried to contact him, but Remus' phone died so he texted Lily, because Hope had called him when he was at work and told him she was feeling nauseous, so he got home and she was all pale, then she started shaking and vomiting and when they got here she sort of fainted and the doctors called it a septic shock.

"Now, they told me this septic shock is caused by bacteria. And because your mother has bacteremia, the primary infected is located in her lungs, that's the most common situation of all. It could've been in the brain, which is worse than the lungs. Now, they're saying it's only a matter of days until she'll be better, but her treatment wasn't enough so they'll be changing it, which... Is obviously going to cost more but your mother will get better, which is what matters only."

Remus tries to understand what his father is saying without feeling like fainting. 

But then, out of the blue, a repetitive beeping sound starts playing from inside room 54, and both of the men stand up and get closer, but are pulled back by three doctors who, after telling them to stay where they are, enter the room where Hope Lupin is and start doing stuff neither of Remus or Lyall can understand. 

And then, they pull Hope's hospital blouse aside and start using some machines on her, causing Remus to stop looking, because it looks way too ugly and violent, which it obviously isn't and it only does good - or so he hopes - but still, it's his mother the doctors are pushing two metal things on. 

Remus' blood pressure is rising and rising each time his mother's heartbeat begins to slow down, and Lyall is grabbing him by his shoulders right when one of the doctors pulls his sleeve up and looks at the watch on his wrist, noting down four numbers on a notepad and taking his green robe off.


	29. Like tears in the rain, it means nothing

Sometimes, life doesn't go your way. Sometimes, there's rain and it gets the clothes you just hung outside wet. Sometimes, it's too hot outside and your cheeks and shoulders get red.

Sometimes, it isn't beautiful.

Sometimes it's about the songs you hate because you've heard them too many times on your way too school, or it's about the colors you absolutely hate because they remind you of puke. Sometimes you're stuck in traffic, or the bus you've taken is very crowded, or your high-school teacher says you disappointed them.

Sometimes it's painful, and you can't do anything about it, except try and work harder, be better, get stronger. Otherwise, if you just stand and don't do anything about it and you just cry it out, no good results are going to come out of that.

There are times your parents tell you they have no more faith in you, and they tell you you've reached a limit they never expected you to even hear, or think about.

But Remus hasn't learned that yet.

Because it's the first month of summer, and he's still crying in the corner of his bed, not going to school, and apologizing through the phone to Mrs. Shirley for not being able to work. Sirius and the others decided not to visit for a couple of weeks, knowing all Remus needs right now if to be left alone and grief- After all, his mother died and he almost wasn't even there.

Remus doesn't blame himself. It's not like in the movies, when someone dies and the main characters thinks it's their fault, but that's the idea. Remus doesn't blame himself so all the anger and pain he's feeling, is all thrown at the world.

He's not mad, he just knows this was supposed to happen and there's nothing he can do about it. He knows his mother's sickness would've gotten worse and he's mad about it. He's mad at... Whoever is up there in the sky and rules this world. He's mad about things having had to go this way, he's mad about him not being in his mother's place.

But then he forgets to breathe, again.

And then he has no idea what you're supposed to do when you forget how to breathe.

A few weeks have passed, Lyall started working a part-time job beside his full-time one, and he's almost never home, only a few nights a week, when he feels like his son is losing his head. 

Sirius, Peter, James and Lily know it's something you can't just move on or get over from, that's why they decided not to call him, go to his place, and just let him grieve for a while, for it's a very confusing and foggy journey for only a 17 year old.

But still, Sirius has been doing something very helpful, something that Remus didn't think would mean so much, and help so good.

He's been sending letters daily, and they're the same every day. 

Dear Remus, today is the third day of summer and I saw a movie at the cinema that reminded me of us. Today's song is I'll be good by Jaymes Young.

Sirius keeps sending him songs, and in each one of them Remus can find himself. In every letter of Sirius', he tells Remus what he did that day, and what he wanted to do in reality. What dreams he had, what movies he saw, what new song he heard on the radio. And that's probably the only thing that's been helping Remus feel a little better.

I mean, it's been three months. He's gone to school a few times, but each time it gets more and more exhausting. Everyone knows, so everyone avoids him, avoids touching him or having to talk to him. Tonks hasn't been seen by anyone since it happened, and the only ones actually eating with him at the cafeteria are obviously, Peter, James, Lily and Sirius.

It's hard for Remus to know he's been looked at as someone who's lost everything. He hasn't. He hasn't lost Sirius, but he feels as if he's slipping between his fingers. Who would stay with someone that doesn't even leave their house, doesn't call, doesn't answer? Who doesn't even has the capacity to say hello through a text? 

All these are messing with Remus' head, and all the hard things are put on his shoulders, and there are nights in which he forgets how to carry them, how to put clothes on and look in the mirror without starting to cry. 

Today is the seventh day of summer. The weather has been the same: gentle raining, slight gray clouds and a little bit of wind. Nothing different from how it was a few months ago. 

Except for one thing. Remus feels different today, because his body doesn't have the urge to crawl in one corner and stay there all day- He feels like today is a chance for him to, at least, get out of the house for a breath of fresh air, another one than the few he takes whenever his dad comes at night and opens his window.

So he avoids looking up in the mirror, and opens the door to his closet to put on a long-sleeved blouse and a pair of blue jeans, then he brushes his teeth in the bathroom and forgets to drink coffee before grabbing his half-charged phone and heading out. 

And he feels like he's just woken up from the dead, with the noise, light and air all hitting him at once for the first time in not even half a year, but overwhelming him so he has to take a deep breath and not panic. 

He unlocks his phone, and sends the following:

__________

Remus, 10:41 AM

Hello. Mind to join me for some coffee later today? 

Remus, 10:41 AM

You owe me one for James' glasses. 

__________

Please, reply, please, reply. 

__________

Sirius, 10:42 AM

same coffee shop??? the one from the library??

__________

Sirius, 10:42 AM

ill be there at half past elvn dont be late !

__________

Of course Remus isn't late, but has to wait about ten minutes for Sirius to come because that's how it usually goes. After precisely ten minutes after 11:30, the bell hung at the corner of the coffee shop's door does a little bling and the one and only enters, looking for Remus (who was already looking at him) and catching a sight of him, only for his eyes to glow more after their eyes meet.

Inside this coffee shop, whether it is winter or summer, rainy or sunny, empty or crowded, it always smells like cinammon, apple pie and really sweet coffee- No matter what. And it gives both Sirius and Remus a feeling of home, a feeling of warmth that they soon became addicted to.

"Hi," is the first thing leaving Sirius' mouth leaves before he sits down next to Remus, and notices the bags under his eyes, the ones he could cary a month of groceries in, his pale cheeks and freezing-looking body. "How are you?" 

"Could've been better. Hi."

Remus is wordless. He looks at Sirius as if... As if... As if he'd melt into him right now, and for some reason, a tear leaves his eye right from the middle of it and the other one's eyes become glassy. 

Sirius doesn't let himself cry, but instead, places his large hand on top of Remus' shoulder and pats it gently, trying to make him feel better, and he even kisses his forehead for so long, but Remus feels like it lasted only a second, and once Sirius' hand and lips withdraw themselves from him, he feels a sudden coldness overcoming his already freezing body.

"Sorry," Remus says his first word in such a long time they can't even remember. "I'm sorry I didn't answer your call, texts... Or, that I didn't write you back. I'm sorry I didn't come to school for longer than a few classes per month, and I'm sorry that I isolated myself like this from you. From all of you. You didn't deserve this. I'm sorry that I was selfish for such a long time, and still am, thinking I'm allowed to want to be alone and never face any challanging situation. I'm a coward, I'm sorry." 

"No, Remus..." Sirius says before the other one can say anything. "You did the best thing you thought of for yourself. I can't imagine what you've been going through for all this time, and I wish I would've thought about other things, better things to do for you. But I didn't want you to think I felt pity for you, I didn't want to make you feel the things other people make you feel."

Somehow, Sirius words don't hurt. It's not like how Remus imagined this would be- An angry Sirius, with bloodshot eyes and crazy hair. He looks beautiful and calm and ready to take Remus by his hand and walk a road like this again.

"Do you forgive me? Can you please forgive me?" Remus' voice is raspy from the lack of speaking, and his eyes become red from the tears he tries not to give out. 

He doesn't want Sirius to see him like this, but it's the best for him.

Sirius is the best for Remus and he can't deny the love between them. He can't deny it anymore.

"You're all I've got. And I've neglected you for so long. I want you to love me, because I love you."

Sirius and Remus' eyes meet, and once they've been staring at each other for more than one minute, and Sirius' palm lands on the other's cheek, he gulps.

His hands leaves, and they both look down. "I would kiss you right now." Sirius whispers, not knowing what effect it has on Remus.

Or more specifically, on Remus' body. 

But he notices once Remus' back straightens, and then a smile glues to his lips. 

So like that, Sirius becomes aware of the fact that, he loves Remus, too.


	30. Getting better

When life gives you lemons, you either make lemonade, or you look at the lemons and try to find one hundred methods of peeling them without getting your eye attacked by their juice.

There are people who, at night, put their phones on the nightstand, place their heads on their pillows and fall right asleep. And there are people like Remus, who can't take their hands off their phones until 1 am or later, and once they shut their eyes and try to fall asleep, it takes them more than one hour to stop thinking about irrelevant stuff that makes them feel bad. 

Overthinking is killing us. 

If Remus was given one dollar for every single time he'd made up an entire scenario in his head, he'd be the richest man in the world. 

But also, there are two other kinds of people in this world: the ones who whine about overthinking and headaches, and the ones that see overthinking as some kind of good thing.

At first, Remus was the first kind of overthinker. The kind who would wake up with Gucci bags under his eyes, the kind who would drink more than seven cups of coffee per day only to keep his back straight and his eyes half-open. The kind of overthinker who you couldn't have a conversation with, because he wouldn't let words come out of his mouth.

But after his mom died, things changed. 

His overthinking started helping him see things another way. 

One night, he opened a notebook he found inside the nightstand, and started writing down random words that would come to his mind. And then, he would try and make up sentences with those words in them, and then, he started writing short stories with those sentences in them. Not for a specific site, and not for a specific person to see, only for himself, because this time, he wanted to get better.

He wanted to feel happy.

He wanted to feel like his mother told him she felt when she gave birth to him, and held him in her arms for the first time.

"I felt like... I was in Paris. Like it was summer and the sky was clear, yet there was a calming rain happening and it was getting my hair all curly and messed up." She chuckled. "And I am wearing this sweet-looking, silk dress... And I'm holding your father's hand and the two of us are young and running through a field of purple, pink and yellow flowers. That's the happiest I've ever felt."

And Remus wants to feel like that. He wants to feel like he's on a constant walk through a field of flowers, and time is inexistent. 

But this time, with no drugs.

No acid, no weed, no vodka, nothing. This time, sober. Because staying three hours in the winter cold only to get your weed, and waking up sweaty because your mouth craves a pill isn't happiness. That's an addiction, and Remus can still control it. Because life isn't about being reckless, parties and having sex. Sex isn't that good anyways. Life is about being happy, having a purpose, having a reason. Wanting to have a reason, looking for a reason, having multiple reasons. 

That's why, as summer fades away and the leaves are starting to fall on the streets of London, Remus decides to call his friends and invite them all to coffee. They've never done this together- never went to grab coffee, talk quietly and check out cute waiters.

So, with his neck covered with a gray scarf and the signature beige jumper hugging his skinny abdomen, Remus makes his way through the crowded city and, instead of taking the Jubilee line to the city, he chooses to walk and look around. Weirdly enough, he hasn't done this once since he moved to England.

People are wearing denim, coats and brown turtlenecks, businessmen are talking loudly on their phones and girls are looking for spare change to give to the homeless in their tiny Prada shoulder bags. 

Once in a while, Remus would pass a group of red neck teenagers with hoodies and caps on their heads, swearing at each other and listening to American rap. He'd look at them and shake his head, not believing he used to be like that, too.

And before having the chance to call his friends, Remus' phone rings and Sirius' name appears on the screen.

"'Sup?" Remus can hear Sirius through the phone and an instant smile wraps around his dry lips.

"I was just about to call you. Let's grab some coffee before school season starts, shall we?" The freckled one proposes, and then he feels Sirius' smile in his words.

"Sure, wolfboy."

And then Sirius and Remus meet together first, and only the two of them enter this coffee shop they never went to before and order a £3 chocolate cappuccino each. 

"You look good," Sirius lets the words come out of his mouth with ease, because it's the truth and he wants Remus to hear it. 

Remus blushes, and looks down at the milky coffee-colored napkin next to his cappuccino. "Thanks, Sirius. You've never looked bad so I can't exactly give you a compliment."

Sirius chuckles and grabs Remus hand from the other side of the table, looking at him as the eleven am sunshine is hitting his freckles in a way they never did before, giving him an angelic look. 

"Hey, you call James and Lily, I already texted Peter and he's on his way here." Remus smiles a little and Sirius nods, calling Lily and telling her where to come. 

After almost half an hour, all five of them are sat at the rectangular white table and are chatting about how their last high-school year went. Obviously, since Remus skipped almost half of that, he's not going to sign up for a University. 

"Well, about that... I have some news..." Petter puts his milkshake down and looks at all four of them with his big eyes and long eyelashes. "I... Uh, I got into that polytechnic academy I was telling you about."

"Mate, that's bloody incredible!" All four of them are cheering for their friend, especially James who is side-hugging his best friend and widely smiling. 

"When are your classes starting? And where is it?" Lily asks, sipping from her white caramel frappe.

"October, and it's right next to the KFC on Marylebone Road, why?"

"Oh, nothing... I mean, I kind of got into that Arts college I was telling you about last year and I start in October as well." Coming as a surprise for everyone except James, they're all cheering for her now. 

"That's so great, Lily!" Remus is hugging her, and she's burying her head into his neck, happy for herself, like everyone else.

"And," she continues, "since this bad boy next to me got into Psychology, we'll be living together a few blocks away from where we are right now."

And then they're cheering for James, who also got into the college he wanted to. Him and Lily will be still living in Mayfair, with Remus also, since he won't be leaving too soon for college.

"What about you, Sirius? Don't you have a surprise for us, as well?" Remus rubs his shoulder and Sirius just shakes his head.

"I don't think college is for me. I started working at that coffee shop next to Miss Shirley's library though." 

None of them knew before now, so they all smile and cheer for him as well. 

"And I'll still be working there so!" 

And they all laugh at Remus' unfinished sentence, and from another one's perspective, you'd see five best friends sitting at a table, talking about their futures as if nothing was ever going bad.

And it wasn't.

Because there are moments in life when it doesn't go your way, and you don't get to buy those shoes or see that movie or get that thing done. But it doesn't mean your whole life has to be that way. It just means you have to move on, and, well, find a way out.


End file.
